Shattered?

Sometimes I wish my life had never changed how it has. I know there are comsmic reasons for the changes, and I am grateful for the biggest change of all. My Son.

But sometimes, I lay in bed, wishing that somethings had not changed. That I could roll over and see his Mother sleeping beside me, reaching over to trace the side of her face, her waking up and giving me that look. The one that says why did you wake me? Sliding my arm under her, pulling her close to me. Breathing in her scent.

When these thoughts enter my mind, when they run rampant through my memories, I often feel torn. I watched us be torn apart, but was unable to do anything about it. I watched as my world became hell and did nothing to stop it. I was not able to stop it. It would have come to non stop fights and arguments between Her and I.

It was her Mother that caused it all. Who drove the wedge so far between us that it can never be removed. But with this wedge came something that I never expected to come.

A sense of freedom. A freedom to finally be able to tell certain people that I have harboured feelings for them for so long now that it was a second nature to ignore them and push the feelings aside. A freedom.

I feel torn because on one side, I want that. I want to be able to be that odd parent that is together with the Mother of his child. I want to be a whole house, not a broken one. But, on the other hand, there is someone else that when I look at her, I see all sorts of different things. A world of new possibilities.

Hope.

But at what stage does this new world of possibilities become just a dream? When does one wake up and think to themself that it is not worth it? How long does one wait till then?

How long till one shatters so complete that no matter how hard they try, no matter how hard their friends try, no matter how many new people come into their heart, one cannot be mended?

Have I reached that point long ago? Have I and just never seen it for what it was? Or am I just bitter from the way my last relationship ended? Bitter?

One of my favourites left this quote for me. I like it. Thank you. You know who you are 😉

"You gain strenth, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt.