Just a Fear

Fear has always played a big part in my life. Not just the normal everyday fears; fears of spiders, mice, goats, the dark, heights or fears of water even. Just fear.

There has been many times when I have let someone into my world, but never truely let them in. All because I was afraid that I would hurt them. I always end up hurting them by trying not to hurt them.

So fear has always been there. I have tried to control it, I have tried to let people in more than ever before. Bird, I let Bird in deeper than anyone before her….but then I became scared of somethings…and closed her out, shut the doors that I had open for her.

But this is not about Bird. This is about fear.
This is about a fear that has developed over the last few months. A fear that concerns my Son.

I realized one day while I was driving that if I ever develope an intimate relationship with a woman that already has children, will I become that stepparent that has one set of rules for the stepchild(ren) and another for my own biological child(ren)? Will I love the stepchild(ren) differently than my own?

Will I place my own biological child(ren) above the stepchild(ren)?

Because of this new fear, I am afraid that I will not be able to completely let a woman that has child(ren) of her own into my world.

What if I love this woman so much that it hurt to think about it…and yet there is this stupid fear.

~Fear only controls us if we let fear control us.~
Rand al’Mawer, 2008