Fresh Snow.

 Last night the skies were clear, the stars and the moon bright in the heavens. The sounds of crisp snow crunched under my feet as I walked around the car. The smell of the evergreen trees hung low as I watched my breath in the light casted from the headlights, drift upwards. As if to escape from the confines of earth and it’s power of gravity. I felt a moment of envy. How I wish I could escape the confines of earth and gravity. 

I stood there staring at the stars, watching as they twinkled and I wondered, against my will, about Lady Love. I stood there wondering if she could see the same stars that I see. I wondered if she ever permits herself to think of me. To wonder how I am doing as I often wonder about her and if she’s ok. After a year, next month, after several different ladies that have warmed my bed, I still wonder about Lady Love. Tears still try to trickle down my cheeks when thoughts of her dance in my memories. 

I spoke with a friend the other night about how I still have these forbidden feelings for Lady Love, how my life this past year has been…afraid to commit to one single lady. As we talked, all I could think of was one lady that works in the same building as I, how every time I see her, I smile and a thought plays at the back of my mind of casting aside being afraid to commit to a single lady again. And committing to her completely. 

"Why are You afraid to commit to one person?" His question caught me by surprise. 

"what makes you say that I am afraid to commit to a single person?"

"Because I’ve spent the lt year watching you bounce from one relationship, if you could call them that, to another."

Silently, I answered his question, because I am afraid that I will give it my all, that I will dedicate my entire being to one person, and then she will walk away because I may not be the best that she would end up with. I will be my best for her, but it may not be enough.

"You know me, I like…variety." I lied. 

"Yeah. I know you." his voice gave it away. He knew I lied to him.

We left the conversation at that. 

The stars twinkled, the moon shone down bright white light, the smell of evergreen trees hung in the air. My thoughts betrayed me with memories of Lady Love. 

~I see you when I close my eyes. I miss you when I open them.~ Unknown