What Is and What Should Never Be

Good morning Open Diary, its a beautiful day up here in Northern California but I’m probably going to be spending it inside. The weather has been completely bipolar lately, so I’m never sure when to expect the rain to come pouring down from the sky that was clear and blue five seconds ago. Plus, staying inside is safe. I don’t have to worry about interacting with people when I’m hiding away in my tiny (sometimes claustrophobic yet cozy) room. However, I don’t plan on being completely unproductive today, I have some studying to do because in the wonderful world of academia midterms/finals are upon us. Anyone wanna write a few papers for me?

I’ve been struggling a lot, lately. I’m currently in the midst of making a large life decision that requires me to move back home from the university I’m attending for various reasons. The main reason being the fact that housing is very limited on campus and I can’t afford to rent. So, in the beginning of May I will be moving back in with my parents. This hurts me, if I’m being 100% honest. Not because I don’t love my family or where I grew up, I love them more than anything. I am simply afraid of getting too comfortable and losing sight of the goals I have made for myself.

I’m afraid of giving up on school, what if I fall in love with someone and I can’t find the balance between a relationship and my education? I’m afraid of feeling stuck because I thought I got out of my hometown but I got pulled back into the vortex that is familiarity and comfort. I’m afraid of becoming completely unhappy and angry because where I am is not where I want to be. I’m afraid. I’m scared. I’m terrified, anxious, apprehensive, unsure, intimidated…

I know its not all bad, though, I’m fully aware of the pros that accompany moving back home. But I know myself and I know won’t be home for long.

Ramonaflwrs

P.S. I may write some more later depending on if I choose to go outside.