Still standing . . .

One Day at a Time

I’m finally "free". For now. My three early shift days in a row are done (don’t have to go into work until 5:30PM tomorrow). I know that I probably stress over things that the average person wouldn’t. I probably need therapy. Or like I said, maybe I just need to grow up. When you’ve spent 6 years of your life partying, I guess anything remotely out of the ordinary should seem a bit hard to deal with. But it’s not like I got sober yesterday. I’ve been sober for over two years. Also, it’s not like I didn’t do anything over that 6 year period . . . I got a college degree for cryin’ out loud!

I got our speaker for Friday at last night’s meeting. Check. Deposited group funds in the bank (I am the treasurer, as I think I’ve mentioned before). Check. Survived three nights in a row of 4.5 or fewer hours of sleep. Check. I’m still here. Still OK. Haven’t fallen out or anything. Still made it to meetings Monday and Tuesday despite lack of sleep. Made it through my early shifts, and somehow managing to impress my boss multiple times over. It’s amazing how much work I can accomplish in a nine hour shift. I called my grandfather to wish him a happy birthday. He was very happy to hear from me. Yes, somehow over the last three days I’ve managed to get more done than I ever thought I could. I feel like Hercules. I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. Was it really THAT bad? No. Just hate it I couldn’t run, that’s the only thing.

I shared in the meeting tonight . . . not in any real detail, but just in general about how I over think everything, and this over thinking leads me to stress out and worry about what most people would probably consider "small stuff". The bottom line is I stayed sober. Overworked, tired, stressed . . . all very good reasons to drink (before I came into recovery). And there was never any doubt that I would stay sober through the last three days, but that’s the beauty of it. I get to live sober. I get to experience the lack of sleep, the anxiety, the stress, the fear, the jealousy, the emotions (whatever it is I’m dealing with). Every time I experience these things it means growth. Every time I hit a crunch period like this I grow just a little bit more.

Some part of me feels a little embarrassed that these things (which I enumerated in my entry titled "Depressed?") get me so frazzled. I want to be a master of Zen. Untouchable. I want to be so spiritually connected with God that nothing phases me. Maybe that’s not realistic. Maybe it’s not even human. But I know I can move a little in that direction, at least. Deal with stress better.

I’ve also been dealing with some flare ups of my vertigo recently. Atypical Menniere’s. It’s annoying the hell out of me. I hate it. But it’s OK, and it WILL be OK . . . I’m still standing (pun intended-literally and figuratively).

-AR