Self Confidence and Selflessness

One Day at a Time

Before I begin, I just want to say, I’m not beating myself up here. This is simply the truth, as I see it. It’s about being honest with myself so I can improve, just like I was honest with myself about being an alcoholic.

I am a very selfish person. I know this primarily because of my alcoholism and recovery, the steps, what I’ve learned in recovery, learned about myself. But I’ve never been able to square that "selfishness" with another character defect of mine. Another character defect of mine is that I lack confidence in many areas (dealing socially with people, with women, looking for a better job, interviewing, public speaking/presentations, etc). This lack of confidence comes from a low self esteem, I believe. I’m always worried that others see me as "less than", so it’s hard for me to be confident. Mostly I worry about my personal appearance (good grooming doesn’t seem to be enough). I also worry about how others view my personality, what I say, and how I behave.

So, how can I square "being selfish" (I know that I am) with having "low self esteem" (I know that I do, or at least I know it’s not ideal, if it was I would have more self confidence than I do). How can I possibly be selfish AND have low self esteem? Or, on the flip side . . . how is it possible to increase self esteem while becoming more selfless (in a spiritual sense, having more humility)? Can you see my problem here? If I’m selfish, I am too prideful. So how in the world would I go about gaining self confidence while losing my pride? By it’s very nature, it would seem that one one would necessarily have to become more prideful in order to have more self confidence.

I apologize. I am probably confusing you with my words, dear reader. I’m not sure I’m being clear with my words. I’m doing the best I can. Hopefully it’s not confusing.

I need to find a way to increase my self confidence and that self confidence doesn’t need to be based on pride (the bad kind). I am no better than anybody else, but no worse. I’m one of "God’s kids" (I love that phrase so much better than "God’s children"; I don’t know why).

I need to find a way to be more selfless without allowing myself to be walked all over and thus doing more damage to my vulnerable self esteem.

I’m not sure what the answers are. I have a feeling I know WHERE to look for such answers, I even have some vague ideas as to what the answers are, but I don’t KNOW the answers (yet). I have a feeling that true self confidence emanates from Love, and so does selflessness (humility). They both come from the same source, and that source is not me. After all, I am only a man (I cannot love anymore than I can stay sober, only speaking for myself here). That "source" is my higher power. That source is Love itself. No, I don’t worship the idea of love. As it is written, "God is Love."

So, I’ve got to learn to love. I have so much anger, fear, jealousy in my heart. And it scares me sometimes I’ve bottled it up. It’s the baggage of feeling different, being treated different (I was bullied quite a bit growing up), alcohol abuse, and yes, a broken heart. I know I have nowhere near the baggage of many people, perhaps most people. But still for me, it’s enough.

I hope God can penetrate my cold heart.  I hope so.  Perhaps faith starts with action.  Perhaps love starts with action.  Perhaps I should put love into action . . . . . afterall, love is really an action, not a feeling.  True love is a choice, not a desire.

CHOOSE to love.

-AR

PS:  To put it most succinctly, it’s the idea of "gaining self confidence while remaining humble" (or in my case, becoming more humble).  It seems oxymoronic to me.  But I know there must be a way.