Restless

I have felt a little bit uneasy the last few days.  I am writing here because I know there’s no judgement (at least there never was before so I’m back).  Let me preface this entry by saying that my dating and relationship skills are . . . nonexistent?  I am not young (in my 30’s) but my lack of experience (a little embarrassing but at least I’m trying to improve myself, right) is a little embarrassing.  So forgive me if I write on this subject as if I’m an 18 year old.

I have been in exactly 2 relationships ever in my life.  One was easy.  We were young, she liked me, and I just rolled with it.  It didn’t work out because of the distance (she lived in the town where my grandparents live, hundreds of miles away from where I lived at the time, we had a great summer but the distance just couldn’t work).  The other relationship was very toxic.  I had a group of guys around me at that time of my life and they were excellent wing men.  Got the girl.  That crazy girl.  But couldn’t keep her.  I’ve dated a few times off and on in between and since, with very little success.  At some points I was purposely not dating because I was at a bad place in life, a busy place in life, or I was just happy being single (there are advantages to singleness).  However, I am not getting any younger.  I am a guy so of course I don’t really have the biological clock ticking like women do.  But I’m in my 30’s, and most of my friends are already married, have kids, etc.  And of course I’m a normal heterosexual male.  I love women and I’d locve to find “the one”.  I think it would make me happy.  Also at this stage of my life, I think I am in a position where I would have something meaningful to offer in a relationship.  So over the last year or two I’ve been dating.  It seems like I can very easily get the first date.  I must not be too bad looking, and I have a lot of good qualities, on paper.  I am responsible, I have a great job, a good education, and I am dependable.  But for some reason, I often fail to make it past the first date.  And the woman usually doesn’t have the courage to tell me she’s no longer interested.  She usually just sort of fades away and I never hear from her again.  I used to chase in that situation.  But I’ve learned that does no good.  I have watched self help videos and read books on dating and how to get the girl.  But it can be confusing because some of the advice is contradicting from one source to another.  Also, much of the advice is counter intuitive and therefore hard to put into practice.

So this all brings you up to speed with the present.  I wrote an entry a few days ago.  I had a great first date with J.  She clearly enjoyed the date (we flirted, had fun, went to three separate venues, and it lasted for 5 hrs).  She texted me after the date saying she very much enjoyed it.  I said I enjoyed it too but I apologized for keeping her out so late (she had to get up at 6am the next morning).  She texted me back and said that it wasn’t too late, and said quote “If you couldn’t tell I was in no big hurry to leave :)”.  I took this as a very good sign.  However, starting Easter Sunday (the day after the date) and until sometime yesterday, I got the sense that she was pulling away.  Dejavu.  Just like all the other girls do.  “Oh no, it’s happening again”, I said to myself.  It seems like her texts to me were more infrequent and had less content than before the date.  Like she was losing interest, fading away on me.  And when we would text, she would not be the first to text me (it was about 50/50 before the date on which one of us initiated the conversations).  What’s more, we didn’t have any deep conversations from Sunday until yesterday.  When she responded (sometimes hours later) they would just be one liners, maybe she would answer my question but not offer up anything useful for keeping the conversation going.  On Tuesday I came out and asked her for a second date.  She said yes, but would not confirm a specific date and time (until 24 hours later).  She is an incredibly busy woman.  She has two small kids, a full time job with a 45 minute commute to work each day, she is taking on a new role at work, she just closed on a house she bought and is fixing it up (carpet cleaning, painting, arranging for propane to be delivered, etc).  She also has something every night of the week (she plays in a soccer league, she coaches her kid’s soccer league, her kids have swimming lessons, she teaches a children’s Christian Ed class at her church).  So, how is a guy supposed to handle a busy girl like her?  I was getting worried that she was flaking on me and fading away like all of the others.  So I sent her an honest text yesterday evening.  I said I really enjoyed our date and that I am still interested in pursuing a relationship with her, but for her to please be honest with me and let me know if she was no longer interested.  I prefaced it by saying I feel like her communication pattern has changed since our date and pointed out that she had been noncommittal in nailing down an exact time and date for our next date.  She apologized saying how busy she was and assured me she had not lost interest, that she still wanted a second date, and that she thinks about me almost all day every day.  So, I believe her.   I read it wrong. We had a great long, deep conversation about how the first date went, what we liked about it, and she agreed on a time and date for our next date.  We talked about the 5 love languages, the fact that she likes back rubs, and what her desires/expectations are as far as physical affection (she said she kept wanting to touch me on our date but wasn’t sure if I was OK with it).  Ironically to that, I started off the date by hugging her and I could tell that made her uncomfortable.  She said in our conversation yesterday it was because she was nervous (we hugged at the end of the date with no awkwardness at all).  She said she was more nervous than usual on our date, that she was used to meeting a lot of different people, but rarely an “attractive man I’m interested in”.  She has told me on 3 occasions that I am “incredibly handsome” which I appreciate.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.  I have never felt much above average.  Maybe a 6.  But I know there is much more to attracting women than looks.

So, where I stand now . . . much of the confusion is gone.  I am more confident with where we stand now.  However, due to my inexperience (sad for a guy my age, really), questions still remain.  One question is, “why am I so obsessive” when it comes to these things?  I jump to conclusions, worry about every little thing, over-analyze, etc.  I am a recovered alcoholic (sober for almost 10 years).  I know what addiction feels like.  It’s an obsession, and I feel a little like that when it comes to dating and relationships.  I am constantly longing and craving attention, and if I don’t get it just the way I want it, I worry that the sky is falling.  I need to learn to detach.  The reality is, there’s a 99% chance this won’t work out.  Those are just the odds of the game.  I need to play the game but realize I probably won’t win (sort of like gambling).  I need to be OK with any outcome.  Only then can I relax, be myself, and not be so obsessed.  Then I might have a fighting chance to show what a great guy I am.  The other burning question is, “how do I move the potential relationship forward in the mean time, while I’m waiting for our second date?”.  I got the second date.  It will be on Friday the 13th (LOL).  And I won’t see her in person until then because she lives an hour away.  We text every day but many times it’s just small talk, “how was your day”, “are you enjoying your new house”, “hope you have a great day”, etc.  I don’t feel like this builds toward anything meaningful and so I get frustrated.  Maybe I am expecting too much too soon?  Maybe I just need to take it easy?  See how the second date goes?  I don’t know.  I think I want this so bad because I feel like I’m 36 and have never had a fulfilling relationship.  I need to not be so desperate.  That is NOT an attractive quality.  Again, I need to detach.  But, if there is a genuine way to move things forward without waiting for the next date then how?  I am impatient, restless.  I really like her so far.

Any suggestions offered would be appreciated.  But I guess I will just have to roll with it.  I shouldn’t rush this, maybe.  I need to enjoy the process and be content with myself enough to know things will be OK if this works out or doesn’t work out

AR