Live and Let Live

One Day at a Time

Despite my Herculean efforts over the last few days, what I’m doing is STILL not good enough for you. You turned the situation on it’s fucking head and instead of getting done all the stuff I listed in the entry titled "Still standing . . . " . . . as it turns out, I did absolutely nothing, in your mind. Do you even know how hard I bust my ass (and my brain) at work (not to mention the crap I put up with from customers), for only $8.25 an hour? I know what this all boils down to . . . it’s strange how, in the end, it ALWAYS comes down to your resentment against me, and the supposed consequences that flow from that (in your opinion). You resent that I sleep until noon, love being awake most of the night, and frequently nap during the day (unless I’m working). What a silly resentment that is! I told you today, after a brief argument, that I was done arguing. Your mind will not be changed. My mind will not be changed. Arguing gets us nowhere. So I’m not arguing anymore. I just have to accept that you are going to always resent me for this. But YOUR resentment is YOUR problem. Not mine. My only task is to keep from getting a resentment over the fact that you resent me. Deep breath. I cannot control you. I cannot control your behaviour or what you think of me, and I accept that. I have to do what’s best for me, and nothing else matters.

Even when presented with possible evidence (such as THIS), you won’t listen. And if that’s not my problem, then perhaps it’s just simple insomnia. You should know by now, you can’t change me. And I cannot change you. I am your son and I love you. But my job is not to please you. You don’t control me. You don’t even really know me. You have this perfect little version of what you want your little boy to be and it will never happen just like you want.

I have done the best I could do over the last 4 days, but obviously when I’m working and doing the meeting thing too much, I get behind on laundry and chores. This is a consequence of being busy with other things, NOT a consequence of my lack of sleep. And if it WAS a consequence of my lack of sleep, then how could you blame me for it? As if I have a magic switch I can flip and go to sleep. Someone should invent that.

-AR

PS: I could get a resentment over your strange habit of rising at 7 AM. But I don’t. Sleep whenever you like. Even if I think it’s weird. My point is, what I do is NORMAL to me, and it keeps me sane. What is normal to you is not normal to me. Everything is relative. Thus the need for open mindedness, tolerance . . . live and let live.

This is something else I mean when I say I want to get to a point where nothing phases me.  I shouldn’t give a damn what other people think of me.  Not one bit.  But instead I let what other people think of me control me . . . or at the very least, I let it bother me emotionally; I allow myself to feel guilt and shame.  Enough already!  I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

A little backstory on the above is in order.  Saturday night, 4 hours of sleep, Sunday night, 4 hours of sleep, Monday night, 4 hours of sleep.  I might have gotten an additional one hour or so in combined naps over those three days.  I got 7 hours last night (Tuesday night) but still woke up feeling like a zombie.  So around 1PM I took a nap and slept until 4:30 PM because I had to be at work at 5:30PM for a 5:30P – 10P shift.  So yes, I kind of slept all day.  I think anybody would and should have slept all day (if they were able) after three horrible nights of lack of sleep.  I won’t be made to feel guilty or apologize.

-AR