Beach Dream

One Day at a Time

Read on to hear about the dream. First, something on my mind this evening . . .

I haven’t talked to my sponsor, John, in about 3 weeks. I’ve called. He doesn’t return my calls (and it’s been heading in this direction for a while, the interval between each call or seeing him has gotten longer and longer). Finally he e-mailed me and said he had time to talk this Sunday evening. I called twice. No answer. Not playing phone tag anymore. He can return my calls if he likes, and that’s about it. He has said he’s having some health issues . . . the last time I had seen him he had lost an awful lot of weight. Yet I didn’t let that bother me. He still didn’t look unhealthy or anything. Claims he’s feeling better in the e-mail but I guess not better enough to return my phone calls. I’m sorry he is ill, and I’m sorry he’s very busy with work (could be the cause of his illness, perhaps . . . overworked?). I never thought I’d say this about John, but I think it’s time for a new sponsor. I need someone I can see on a regular basis and work with more closely. It’s not necessarily his fault, if it is due to being stressed/overworked/ill, but even so, facts are facts. If he can’t give me the direction I need, it’s time to work with someone else. This is not a new thought. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of months now as he’s gotten worse about returning my calls, and as he never shows up at meetings on my side of town anymore, so I never see him. It’s been getting ridiculous. My previous sponsors always worked closely with me, and so did John until he quit working at the Central Office and quit showing up for meetings (presumably due to his new job and now it appears, his health). I would never accuse a fellow recovering alcoholic of relapse, especially a man who has 30 years sober, unless I had real proof, which I don’t. But the possibility has crossed my mind.

I can’t get a resentment over it or sit around and sulk because we were supposed to talk tonight yet he didn’t return either of my two calls this evening (and I’m sure he won’t at this point as he goes to bed kind of early). It is what it is. Sometimes I wonder if I’m an albatross around his neck and he’s trying to push me away on purpose. But it doesn’t matter if that’s the case are not. Facts remain the same . . . he simply is not in touch with me like a sponsor should be. So it’s time for a new one. I’ve been warned by a couple of people not to go back to Don B. even though we have a pretty good friendship today, so I doubt I will. Hell will freeze over before I work with Brian (he micromanages the lives of his sponsees it seems, although that may just be for the ones that are new in sobriety). My A.A. world has shrunk because I have only attended my home group in the last few months . . . no other meetings (I quit going to Evans because John quit showing up). So, I have no idea who I will ask to be my next sponsor. AND, I have no idea how I will break the news to John that I’m working with someone else. Hopefully he won’t be upset. Hell, he may be relieved to hear it.

Damn, I guess I didn’t follow instructions. I just realized his e-mail said that Sunday evening would be a good time to talk to me BUT said to LET HIM KNOW (via e-mail) to confirm. I didn’t do that, so maybe he assumed I wouldn’t be calling and made other plans. Who knows. I did leave a voice message, as always. All I saw was Sunday was good, so I tried to call him. Fuck that, you know, I shouldn’t have to give advance notice. It’s a phone call, not a damn Dr.’s appointment. Jeez.

I napped all afternoon because I am WAY behind on sleep (I stay behind on sleep). I had a weird dream. I was on a boat just off the beach somewhere. It was around dusk and large groups of people (that I knew) were gathering. They were holding hands and got in a large circle, just to dance, play games, whatever it was, and everyone was naked. Yes. Apparently that was the "in vogue" thing to do that evening on the beach. I knew in my mind that most everyone was naked although I only recalled looking at two people in the dream . . . two very attractive girls I noticed. One girl was this hot chick at work (name is Lizzie), but she’s married so I can’t have her in real life, not even a shot. I swear if she wasn’t married I would have made her my next Megan, or died trying (that’s how crazy I am), but I don’t even talk to the girl much really I figure what’s the point, she’s married. The other chick was unknown. Well, unknown to me in my waking life. In the dream, I knew who she was. I knew exactly who she was, but in real life now, I have no idea who it was. That’s a little weird. So I saw both of these chicks naked, pretty hot stuff. Anyhow, I felt pressure to get naked myself but I said hell no. And I remember thinking, wouldn’t it be great if Megan was here (she wasn’t there, in the dream, but I was thinking about her in the dream). And there, in the dream (not actually happening in the dream but simply my thoughts during the dream), I fantasized about how I was going to work out a lot (not just running, but weights too), and when I was "really hot" and ripped I would get naked at the beach like everyone else was doing and MAYBE then, just MAYBE, Megan would be at the beach, she would notice me, get divorced from her husband, and live happily ever after with ME. HA! But then, I decided, in the dream, that no matter how hot I was, I would NEVER flaunt it like that, that’s not the kind of person I am. I would NEVER get naked at the beach, even if I got really ripped and hot looking. And I thought MAYBE, just MAYBE Megan would really respect me for that decision. Megan, respect me for my modesty? Really? LOL. Yeah, just a dream. I didn’t wake up just yet, I remember after I thought these things, I got off the boat, ran from the beach, up the hill where there was some kind of a school (reminded me of one of my elementary schools a little bit but was clearly a different place). There were all these people coming at me, they were headed to the beach, people I knew in the past. I should mention here, that in the water (earlier in the dream), there had been two groups of people, each group formed a circle. The first circle were people from my present, the second circle were people I knew in the dream but didn’t know in real life, so could they perhaps be people I will know in the future? Hmmm. OK, so yeah, the people at this school running toward the beach were people from my past, and none of them stopped to talk to me. I realized that I had no real friends, no one I felt comfortable talking to, sharing myself with, and I knew my life had always been like this, ever since elementary school when it was incredibly hard for me to make friends. Then I woke up.

-AR

PS: I have put in about 3 or 4 runs in the last couple of weeks. Trying to ease back into it. I hope to log those in here at some point, but it’s going to take some time as it seems rather daunting (got all the data saved, it’s just a matter of having free time on my hands to write out the run logs).

PPS:  The nudity in my dream was simply nudity, nothing sexual going on

in the dream, I had to add that.  Well, nothing sexual other than I noticed how hot these two chicks were.