you don’t write me anymore

 Truth?  I’m depressed.  I’ve said it before, I don’t make excuses for it, not here.  I’m in full-blown depression.  I go to work, I go to class, I go out.  I do what I’m supposed to do, what’s expected of me, but that’s it.  I don’t write because if I write it’ll just expose how broken I really am still and then that makes me even more depressed because then I have to face that I’m depressed.  I’m living by the "fake it until you make it" motto and hanging on by the seat of my pants.

Today was a bad day.  Went to make a loan payment the other day and found out that I’m out $160 because the bank doesn’t do partial payments.  It’s either a lump sum or nothing, it gets applied to the principle balance or interest or some shit like that.  Help desk, fail; they told me I could.  So one of the nice ladies is helping me sort that out.  Got my tax on my car, that’s another $100 that I’ll be out of this week I’m sure.  Better this week than next when my phone is due.  Also have to pay by the end of December for my license renewal at work.  Working on getting finances sorted out and none of it is cooperating.  I get a handle on it only to have something else come and knock my feet out from under me.  I may as well just keep my ass on the ground and stay afloat.  Every time I try to get ahead I get blind-sided by some other bullshit.

Guy I mentioned in my last entry.  Yeah, dude is married.  Second married guy this month.  I don’t need gay-dar, I got that shit fine, it’s jerk-dar I need to avoid these buttholes that don’t know how to be real men.  I gave up dating for a reason.  Every time I turn around and question "is that too extreme?  do I really need to give up??" I am reminded, for the millionth time, why my ass is single and will stay that way forever.  I don’t attract guys worth holding onto.  Every guy that is attracted me is a douche and it’s just a matter of time before the truth comes out.  Renewing vow of celibacy now until the end of time.  Fuck that drama, fuck that bullshit.  There is no one in this world that I will ever bother loving ever again.  No guy is worth that risk, now or ever.  And if I start talking about some guy again like they might make me change my mind, I give all my regular readers permission to stalk me, find me, and smack me for being an idiot.

And no one bother to tell me not to give up hope on love.  I am giving up.  I have seen nothing in my life to indicate that I will ever be one of those lucky girls who actually manages to find a guy.  Part of that is because I don’t hide who I really am like SO MANY of the girls I know.  God, I wish I could tell some of their husbands/fiances what they are really like, they’d never get married.  Hoes, liars, cheaters, back-stabbers, bitches.  All of them and none of them own up to it.  I own up to being a bitch.  But I’m not a ho, a liar, a cheater, or a back-stabber.  I’ve dealt with too many in my life to do that to other people.  No guy has the balls to stand up to me much less to stand beside me.  That’s my lot in life.  Perpetually single and forced to be okay with it.  Forced to pretend that I’m not fucking dying inside about all the shit I have to put up with.

Yeah, my life fucking sucks.  That’s why I don’t write about it.