why me?

My life seems determined to remain a mess, despite my sometimes desperate efforts to get it back on track. So let’s discuss the latest little tidbit of drama.

I got into a fight with a friend. Over something stupid. I was upset, having a bad night. I believe if you have nothing nice to say STFU. I live by that policy as it keeps me from opening my mouth in the heat of the moment like when I’m really upset. I’m KNOWN for saying things I shouldn’t say, sometimes things I don’t even actually MEAN just because I have to lash out when I am upset to make someone else as upset as I am. She said that I keep going back and forth about wanting a relationship. I know this is at least partly true to people either who I don’t bother to really explain myself to or to people who don’t know me. The reality is that I want a relationship just like EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING!!! I want that companionship, that sense of belonging and caring, the security of knowing at the end of the day I have someone who gives a shit about me and has my back against all adversaries. Yes, I’d LOVE to find that. But I haven’t, I seem completely incapable of finding it. And because of that I’m NOT looking for a relationship. I don’t want another relationship if it’s anything like all the other crappy relationships I’ve had. The reality is I’m not going to get involved with another guy until I meet a guy who is actually DIFFERENT from the jerks I always seem to attract. I want a REAL man, a man who will pursue me the way I want, the way I deserve. I want a guy who I know from the very beginning is genuinely interested in being with me. I want him to show up with flowers and sweep me off my feet; I want him to want me, flaws and all and I want him to prove it a million times over before I give in. I want him to be strong enough to stand up to whatever I dish out, to be strong enough and gentle enough to understand how scarred and broken I really am.

And I’m not going to find that, certainly not any time soon. So I’m not going to get involved. I may never get involved with anyone ever again really. I mean that’s a pretty big list of requirements.

And of course while I’m working on getting the pieces of my life into some semblance of a LIFE, Quinn messages me again out of the blue. Just to effing CHAT!!!! What is that?!?!?! Gawd, I am so annoyed by him sometimes. I’m still mad at him, still hurting and every time I start to step out of that pain, even a TINY bit, he just drags me back in. It’s like he’s watching me or he’s psychically tuned to me or something and knows just when to pop up like a freaking weed! I should just tell him to go the eff away but really? Who am I kidding? I still love him. Part of me always will and I know that. I can’t just do that. I’m not capable of it and I just have to do the best I can. I am getting better though. I’m upset and hurt but I’m not crying. I tear up, a few leak out but I’m not breaking down into the horrible aching mess that I usually would be reduced to at this point. That’s good right?

Then I get invited to be a photographer for a wedding for a friend. Their photographer bailed at the last minute and the wedding is this Saturday. This is good right? Yeah, that’s what I thought until it turns out my camera is busted!!! AGH!! So I’m going to try out a temporary replacement camera tomorrow and if that camera suits me and I am satisfied with the results I might still stand in as their photographer. Which would be pretty freaking cool really. But I won’t know for sure until tomorrow morning when I get my hands on the replacement camera. Mine is just a step down from SLR and the one they are willing to loan me is point and shoot which I have never been very good with soooo, *sigh* I guess we’ll just see tomorrow.

I am kind of excited, and I hope the camera is a good one. I’d love to be able to go to a wedding. I love weddings honestly. I wish I got to go to more of them. And in my heart I still dream of getting married one day. It just seems like that dream gets pushed further and further away, and it’s pretty tattered and dusty at this point. I’m wondering lately if it will ever happen. How many times can a dream get deferred, get damaged and thrown under the bus before it stops being a dream?