What’s wrong with me?

I shouldn’t be this tied up in knots.  I shouldn’t keep flipping back and forth so fast from being unbelievably happy and okay with life and convinced that things will work out for the best because God has a plan and the next minute I feel like taking a razorblade to my skin because I’m so miserably lonely and stressed out and feel so worthless!  Something has to be wrong with me, it has to be.  This can’t be normal, not even close!  I wish I had insurance so I could see a therapist.  Yeah they might tell me I am crazy and I have some weird disorder but they could help me, give me meds, prescribe therapy, something to make this more bearable.  I can’t stand living this way.  And it all comes back to one thing.

This isn’t where I belong.  I am not supposed to be here in this house miles away from the people I belong with.  I’m not supposed to be stuck here with a mom who is medicated and useless most of the time, a brother who does nothing but frustrate me, a step-father who is a complete @sshole to everyone for no reason, a car that doesn’t want to work most of the time, two jobs that neither give me benefits or real hours to make the money I need. I shouldn’t be stuck dealing with loan payments that keep moving on me and changing schedule and payment due.  I’m not supposed to be this person but I keep having to hold myself together by my fingernails just to fit into this life that the rest of the world has shoved me into.  And don’t tell me I have a choice, what choice do I have?  Go be homeless on the street?  That’s not a choice.  Why would I do that when I have a chance to have a job and have a car and a roof over my head?  Why would I throw all of that away just to risk my health and my sanity further?  What would I gain from it?  Nothing!  I’d still have bills, I’d still sit there worried about my family and my friends and myself.  It wouldn’t help at all.  Go back to school?  I’m working on that but I can only do so much with limited resources. I don’t have the $100+ it takes to take the tests for the application process.  I don’t have all the letters of recommendation that I need.  I’m working on that too.  I’m going to email one of my professors tomorrow now that I think I’m going down to Uni this weekend and I’m going to see if he’d be willing to meet with me Friday afternoon so I can give him my paperwork and I will just give him an envelope with the stamp and my address on it and he can mail it to me when he’s done.  But that still leaves another letter and I don’t know where I will get it from.  But that’s another train of thought for another time and place.  

I’m tired of having panic attacks.  I’m tired of feeling like just when I get the pieces of my life back on the board (not even put together just all back on the same freaking parallel surface!) something happens that knocks them all over the place again.  I had a panic attack at BBY yesterday.  It wasn’t because of BBY it was because of some more crap that happened with my loans but it was on the way to work so I was going to be late to work because of it which just made me freak out more so I ended up having a panic attack in my car in the parking lot which just kicked off my ol’ claustrophobia like crazy so I had to get out of the car but then I felt exposed being out in the parking lot so I went into the break room and of course it ended up that my supervisors cleared the room, offered to let me go home, etc.  I didn’t want to go home, going home would have made things worse, that’s it.  Plus I am not an idle person by nature, lazy yes, idle no.  So I worked and it helped.  But only for a while.  Now I’m sitting here fighting off another panic attack and the one person who could really talk me down is Quinn.  So why aren’t I talking to him?  Simple, I can’t fucking find him.  Of course.  He’s out hanging out with friends and I can’t reach him.  Not unusual, he gets crappy reception normally and at Uni it gets even worse because some of the buildings are just blackholes for cell reception, even for my phone and I get service nearly everywhere.

So instead I’m writing to try and stave off the worst of it.  I will call my other friends but I don’t like them to deal with the brunt of the attacks.  I hate feeling so pathetic.  I hate having someone see me this low and I feel like a worm that I ask my friends to deal with me when I’m like that because I can’t deal with myself when I’m like this.  I can’t, I don’t know how.  How do I make myself feel better when I know all the worst things could be just around the corner?  How do I make myself feel better when I’m so negative and so scared and so angry?  How do I make myself feel worthy when I feel so worthless?  I need a hand and I can’t find any.  And it scares me to think that I might be alone with myself.

Xx