well now explicit

I really need to stop getting into situations where I end up going "WTF just happened?"

I mentioned Kale in my last entry. He’s a decent guy. We’ve never really hung out one on one though, mostly because I’ve not been looking to get myself into situations like I keep ending up in. But the other night with all the alcohol, the one on one thing happened. But nothing actually happened between us. But it turns out it wasn’t my imagination. Because he came over last night and hung out.

At first things were fine and normal, we were talking and joking around. Then he made that move, the one where someone leans in close and you just know they’re about to kiss you. The first time, I fought it. I’m not looking for anything. A few more times later I finally let him kiss me. But I won’t lie I was fighting. I am tired of making the same mistake every time I turn around, getting involved (at all) with some guy who ends up not really being interested. I didn’t know Kale’s intentions and I didn’t have the nerve to just come out and say so, instead I was just avoiding the whole physicality issue. My mom came out and ended up talking with us for a while. It was pretty amusing because Kale was baiting her at one point and she just doesn’t get stuff like that. Anyway, she eventually went inside leaving us alone outside.

Let’s just say things got heated, fast. He was dominant, an Alpha and I had no idea. I would never have suspected. I mean, he’s manhandled me before (the kind of thing where we’ll be talking and he’ll start rearranging me or moving me around to where he prefers me to be, but guys do that to me all the time so I don’t even really notice and I’ve mostly stopped protesting it) but that’s not necessarily a trait of dominance. But he started whispering in my ear, all these sexy-nasty things and the way his hands were so possessive on my hips, the way his lips and teeth were working on my neck, my jaw, my shoulder. It makes my pulse spike just remembering. That’s not even the worst. I don’t know what got into me but when he finally went to leave I ended up dragging him into my room. We made out some more and again, he was soooo Alpha male it was intoxicating. To have him growling these deliciously naughty things into my ear while his hands worked over my body. Finally he ended up yanking my bathing suit bottom down, whipping me around and bending me over the bed.

Jeez louise, I’m all flustered again.

This is not acceptable.

I still don’t know what his intentions are. He said to me that it’s been a while since he was in a relationship. He also knows that while we are great one on one in private (there have never seemed to be any awkward silences with us) the reality is that we have no real history interacting in public. We’ve hung out with mutual friends but a lot of that is him talking to one person or another, while I’m talking to someone else. We don’t really know each other all that well. Like dogs or cats? Cars or trucks? Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Stuff that really seems inconsequential but let’s be honest, it can be important stuff in a real relationship. (BTW, we only disagreed on the mayonnaise/Miracle Whip, LOL)

Having now gone precisely where I have been avoiding going for the last 5 months I am going to back off. I am trying to grow up and settle down with my life. Which means no fuck-buddies, and no more make-out-buddies. I want either nothing or everything at this point. And by everything I mean the fahking white knight in shining armor on a big white steed riding to my rescue. I want flowers and romantic dinners and all of that ridiculous stuff that I’ve never gotten before. I want a guy who will spoil me rotten. No more casual crap, no more one-nighters or hook-ups. I either want to be single or in the real-deal kind of relationship. Let’s face it, the real-deal kind of relationship is probably not going to happen, not with Kale or any other guy any time soon. So I should just stay used to the idea of being single

At one point he jokingly left without a real goodbye and of course I’m used to guys doing exactly that, just leaving when they’re done (which is more than a little sad I know) and he was surprised that I was just going to let him, he looked at me and said "You dated some real bastards" and of course I said "I know, it’s why I stopped dating, that’s the only kind of guy I seem to attract."

I guess we’ll see in a day or two whether or not I just made a huge mistake and will have only that one mindblowing experience to hold on to for a few months or if something more might come of it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want anymore. Dislike.