today is enough*

I want to write while things are fresh in my mind.

Isaac and I talked about how I feel. Turns out he always knew it takes two people and he was just giving me space to decide what I wanted. He said that he would miss me and that he wants to call and write me letters. We also talked about how hee never speaks like we have a future. He is scared. He doesn’t want to rush but more importantly he doesn’t want to get his hopes up and be disappointed again. And apparently I haven’t said what kind of plans I wanted to make for when he comes back.

So that’s where we are in a nutshell. This girl is going to bed!

Sitting here getting ready for work and decided to expand on this entry a little more.

He got out of drill late, like around 8pm.  Considering they’d been sitting around since about 3-3:30.  One of the trucks broke down on the way back to the armory and it was the one with the weapons so they had to all sit around and wait for it then wait for the inventory to be done, etc.  We went out to dinner and we just sort of chatted and goofed around like we always do.  We went back to his house and started watching "Life as we know it" which looks really cute from what I saw so I’m going to have to actually watch it sometime.

That’s when we started talking about the serious stuff.  He’s still really quiet at times thinking about all of the stuff he has to take care of before/during/after deployment.  The divorce, his debt, training, his family, his sons, his jobs, and me.  He says it’s all sort of circling in his mind.  He doesn’t get any time to himself because he’s always thinking about other people even when he’s trying to take time for himself.  So I told him how I felt about him saying the staying-together-through-deployment decision was mine.  He agreed, two people need to make the decision but he wanted me to have space to come to whatever decision I did (I think he was trying to give me the space to say no if I didn’t want to do it).  Without even prompting him, he started saying that he was going to miss me and he would call and he’d try to write letters but he’s not very good at that.  He wants to make plans with me but I haven’t talked about what I’d like to do when he gets back.  We joked about the beach but since he is most likely coming back in the winter (even for R&R) the beach is probably not going to be a reasonable idea lol.  I explained to him that lately the way our conversations have gone he’s made me feel temporary because we never talk about what happens to us after May, like when he comes back.  He apologized and said he didn’t mean to, he didn’t know he was doing that, he just doesn’t want to risk getting hurt again so he may not be saying or doing certain things to get his hopes about us staying together long-term.  I told him how I feel about promise rings and how they don’t have much meaning because people have always broken their promises to me and I don’t necessarily care if we are together long-term so long as he is committed to me today and every day that we are together and he said that he was.

So yeah.  It was a good night.  Here’s hoping today is a good day.  8 hours of truck means 8 hours of putting away stock, re-doing fixtures, and organizing inventory.  Blah.  Could be worse I know but still.  All I want is to go back to bed.  I was puppy watching at 9am today.  Not enough sleep considering how little sleep I got over the weekend.   

Xx