thinking aloud

I’m still here, still…coping I guess.

I don’t know what I’m doing half of the time from one day to the next.  I just try my best to keep my head above water and pretend that I’m doing okay.  I’m still slowing leaking blood from my broken heart.  But that’s the problem with a heart, it will keep beating even if it’s broken and bleeding in a million pieces, it doesn’t matter.

Watching "Friends with Benefits" and this movie is too true.  I want a Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet but I’m damaged.  I’m a princess who is in desperate need of saving from all the dumbasses who have left scars on me and my poor heart.  But there is no Prince Charming waiting in the wings to come and save me, there never has been.  So as always I’ve learned to to save myself and be okay with it, hell to even almost be happy about it.  

Now and then though, at night when I’m lying in bed, alone, I do wish for him.  I wish for that Prince Charming to come and save me and make me feel like a his one and only love, to make me feel as if I’m the most important thing in the world to him.  It’s stupid and it’s childish, but I still long for it.  Even if it will never happen.

It’s time to put away the dreams I think.  Let’s face it.  I’m almost 27 and what do I have to show for it?  I have a dream wedding planned in my head that’s never going to happen.  If I haven’t managed to snag a guy by now, the odds get slimmer.  The older I’ve gotten the pickier I’ve gotten about dating.  I think it’s time to just give up, not just out of fear of being hurt again (though that is part of it) but also because I think it just isn’t ever going to happen for me.  Years of trying, years of watching other people get happily ever afters, years of watching other people’s marriages fall apart, years of dreaming about finding one guy who loves me enough to stand beside me.  All for nothing.  Ok, not nothing, all for a bunch of scars that have made it even harder to find a guy who will love me!

So what’s the point of trying anymore?  Of wishing anymore?  Of holding out for a dream that won’t come true?

Nope.  I’m just going to have to learn to be okay with never getting my Prince Charming and my happy ending.  I’ll have to make my own content ending by myself.

This is going to suck.