the wedding

I’m done up; my hair is a beautiful riot of mahogany curls that tumble from a loose pile atop my head and brush against my shoulders. My eyes are large and shining with unshed tears as I gaze into the mirror, I won’t cry though. There was too much time spent to make my eyes sparkle and line them with dark kohl to make them luminous. My mother comes over, my veil in hand and affixes it to the crown of my head by its twinkling crystal barrette. She’s crying as she arranges the veil so it obscures my face, pulling me close and whispering how beautiful I look and how happy she is for me. When she pulls away my bridesmaids rush in, all hugging and murmuring and wishing me well. Afterwards they help me shake out unseen wrinkles in my dress, adjust the small tennis bracelet on my wrist and make sure the strands of my necklace are just right. We move into the foyer and I give each of the girl’s an air kiss on their cheek as they pass by in their gowns of crimson and gold. I brush a nervous hand down the front of my own gown, feeling the sharp edges of the beading and crystal work. I can hear the music outside on the lawn, watch the first bridesmaid and groomsman exit into the sunlight. I glance down at my left hand, watch the light catch on the small diamond on it’s simple gold band and feel the tears well up again.

Another pair walks outside l as I wrestle down the butterflies in my stomach that are trying to take wing. I’ve spent the last year planning for this day, imagining what it will feel like when I walk down the aisle. I feel a twinge of sorrow, grief that the man I always dreamt would walk me down the aisle isn’t standing beside me, telling me a story from his and my grandmother’s wedding day or about the time they first met and my grandmother looked at her friend and told her she was going to marry that man, that man being my grandfather. I send up a small but heartfelt prayer that they would bless me today and I swear I can feel them standing next to me. Another pair has walked while I’ve been distracted.

Kay touches my arm and smiles at me, clasping my fingers before she too leaves me.

I’m alone in the foyer except for the attendants who are standing on either side the doors, waiting for the cue to pull them open. I take a deep shuddering breath, steadying myself, fighting back my tears as I wait. I clutch the stem of my bouquet in anticipation. I can hear the hush that’s fallen just beyond those wooden doors. With aching slowness they open towards me and I am blinded by the bright autumn light. My gaze skips over the rows of people, their expectant faces towards me. My eyes look up the walk to where he’s waiting for me. He smiles, a small gentle upturn of the corners of his mouth, growing as I take that first hesitant step towards him and the rest of our lives together. His eyes are locked with mine as I walk slowly, pacing myself. I lick my lips nervously before returning his smile, blinking back tears.

Only a few steps left.

I force my fingers to loosen their death-grip on my bouquet, remembering that I have to hand it to Kay.

He steps forward a little impatiently, his hand reaching for mine, his smile radiant and full of love. A laugh bubbles up inside me as I hold out my hand for him. He doesn’t tug me forward, letting me walk the last step on my own as if knowing that those last steps are the most important, that I need to come to him all on my own, completely giving myself to him.

Forever.

I turn to Kay and hand her my bouquet and I can see that there are already tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. I squeeze her hand and give her a quick impish grin before turning back to face him. He reaches up and lifts my veil slowly, precisely, his hands running lightly over it to make sure it stays put now. I arch a brow at him and I am sure he can almost hear me asking him if he is done and we can move on, He tugs on one of my curls, his eyes playful now.

The priest begins to talk and we both turn to him just like we practiced. It comes to our vows and I turn to face him again. His face is serious as he regards me, reciting his vows with military precision, his fingers squeezing mine now and then, seeking reassurance. I smile up at him, the tears welling up again inside me. Some manage to escape and I say a small prayer they don’t ruin my make-up, not now of all times. His eyes shine back at me and I know he is fighting back his own tears as I slowly begin reciting my vows to him. I have to pause to take a breath before I can finish, clinging to his hands for dear life.

I love this man. With all my heart, my mind, my body. He is my soulmate and I know it in the very core of my being.

I finish my vows and take another deep breath, shaking with the intensity of my emotions. He’s smiling down at me, beaming as he slides that beautiful wedding band onto my finger.

"With the giving of this ring I promise to love you all the days of my life, with my heart, body, and mind." His voice is strong and sure as he makes his pledge, just a little gruff, just a small betrayal of his emotions for others to hear.

I slide his band onto his finger, echoing his pledge as I do so, my gaze locked on his, taking my strength from him so that my voice carries across the lawn to our family and friends. I am quivering with anticipation, his eyes dark and promising and loving all at the same time. The priest starts speaking again but I’m not paying any attention, knowing the best part is coming soon: our first kiss as husband and wife. I inch closer and he grins at me, knowing what I’m thinking. His hand moves to my waist and as soon as the priest says "man and wife" he is leaning towards my upturned face. The priest has to yell "You may kiss the bride" over the roar of approval from the crowd.

His arms wrap around me tightly, pulling me close as he kisses me deeply, I feel his kiss all the way to my toes and it feels like this really is the beginning of the rest of my life. We pull apart, smiling ecstatically first at each other and then at our still applauding audience. His fingers twine with mine and he smiles down at me, mouthing "I love you". I mouth back "I love you too", reaching up to gently touch his face.

My husband. My love.

Forever.