The night before Christmas

So technically it IS Christmas lol. Oh well.

I’m excited for tomorrow. I won’t lie, I love presents and I love surprises so Christmas is a great day for me. Plus I get to spend time with my family (much as they drive me nuts) and this year I have plans to spend time with some of the non-family members who mean the most to me; Kay, Caleb, and Isaac. This Christmas will be amazing, I just know it. I’m staying positive!

I got a package today from granddad, my father’s father. I have no memories of him at all. I don’t know if I ever got to meet him, even as a baby. My grandma is in a home with advanced dementia. He sent me a box full of things that she’d made or that had been special to her. Opening that box made me start crying and I have no idea why. It’s not like I can miss her or mourn her, I never knew her. But maybe that’s why I’m crying. Maybe it’s that little girl in me that misses her grandparents. Or maybe it’s the adult me regretting all the time I wasted not knowing my family and knowing that I can’t get it back. It makes me kind of angry too. But I don’t know who to be angry with over it. It’s not my dad’s fault but is it my grandparent’s fault? Is it my fault? Should I have tried harder to reach out to them? Should I have not given up when I never got a response from them? Is it my mom’s for not staying in touch with them when she and my dad split? Whose fault is it? I plan to call granddad tomorrow to wish him a Merry Christmas and let him know how much I appreciate the package. Maybe I can plan a trip out there and meet them. Maybe. I don’t know. I just really don’t know. I’m having all these deep and sad thoughts on Christmas eve, I’ve been crying pretty much since I got home. I don’t know why. I hope it’s not a bad sign. There should be no sad faces on Christmas.

I think maybe it’s stress. Sometimes you get so wound up from stress and people being jerks that you just need to let it out and the longer you hold it in, the longer you go without unwinding all that stress the more likely you are to just burst. I’m known for bursting into tears when I’m stressed. I didn’t think I was that stressed but 2 weeks straight of working, and the 2 weeks right before Christmas! Not getting any baking done, struggling to find time to put up decorations, not getting the house cleaned or my room cleaned or my laundry done. Juggling schedules with my family and my friends. Plus the puppies (who btw are not housebroken!). Yeah, I think that list could add up pretty well to a stress-cry-breakdown. The timing sucks in that case though.

Plus it’s been a week since I had sex. And sex with Isaac is definitely a way to work off steam lol. Whew! Now we’ve seen each other since then just no time. He’s worked both jobs basically every day this week and I’ve worked all day or the evening/midnight shift. So we’ve only been able to steal a few hours and usually one or both of us is exhausted or else we aren’t alone like when we went out to dinner with Kay on Wednesday night.

I really hope I get to spend some quality time with him tomorrow and not just go to the movies. I need to figure out still what time we’ll be going. The movie may end up being crowded if we got late in the day. I’m used to going to one of the matinees on Christmas day (in other words, before 6pm) but Caleb can’t go to anything before about 8 or 9 so we’ll see. I’ll be talking to Isaac in the morning I think so I’ll toss the idea at him. The time won’t really matter to Kay, she still has a kid in her family so they’re Christmas stuff will probably be over early in the morning lol.

Oh well. So much to ponder when really I need to sleep. It happens every year though. Christmas insomnia haunts me into adulthood lol. It’s weird, pretty sure I’m the only one who still does it as an adult. I’m making myself go to bed though this year. Last year I think I ended up staying up until 5 or 6am.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!