the little engine that could…

So here I am again. Feeling a little better thankfully. I guess that interview really helped my mood. It gave me just a little bit of hope that maybe I can find at least a job if not the job I want right now. It’s ok. This job wouldn’t be horrible. And it would be an income. I asked for $7 but Best Buy tends to pay employees a base of $9 so hopefully if I got hired I’d get bumped up to that instead. But even so I’d be making around $140-180 a week part time. Which is a good start for paying my bills, starting to pay a little on my student loans, and hopefully saving up some. I need $150 for my GRE test first and foremost for Grad school, early admit deadline is Dec 1 so I’m hoping to get it done by or close to then. Final deadline is in June but I’d rather not wait that long to find out if I’m getting in or not. I’m also still looking at going through the pharmacy technician program in the spring. So whether I get into Grad school or not I will get a better paying and more stable job. I also talked to my family about going back to University in the fall if I don’t get accepted to Grad school. I’d be working at a pharmacy there while getting a second bachelor’s in psychology. I only have about 9-10 classes left so that’s a year, with maybe one or two classes over the winter online. I’d have to work while I was going though because I’d have to pay rent on my own place what with the birds having to come with me. But I could probably work full-time while taking classes, I’d just be busy as hell. But that’s if I don’t get into Grad school. Honestly I’m not sure which I prefer right now. All my heart and soul want to be back at Uni. And it’s not just Quinn. It’s all of my friends. I belonged there and I didn’t really feel like that until it was too late. Had I thought about it before graduation I would have declared a second major in the fall or something and been there this year. But that’s ok. It’s at least a Plan B.

Speaking of Quinn. Things are still a giant gray area but they are good. He still says he loves me and fairly frequently although often it’s when he’s half-asleep. He is still trying to keep us distant but in a way he’s realized it doesn’t matter. He still loves me but he’s still sorting things out in his life and he’s still afraid of a long-distance relationship. People are still calling me his girlfriend when I come to visit and he doesn’t correct them. We’re happy when we’re together. We’re unhappy when we’re apart. We fight and we make up. We suit each other physically. I am not one to usually bandy this word around and I haven’t done more than think it yet, I haven’t even written it before. I think he could be my soulmate. And that scares the ever-loving sh!t out of me. I don’t know how I feel about it. I really truly don’t. I mean love is one thing but a soulmate? That’s big, hardcore, OMGWTF stuff. That’s like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with stuff. I have never genuinely thought of Quinn like that. I mean, it’s freaking scary stuff. I haven’t seriously thought of marriage since my high school sweetheart. And I’m not thinking about it, I refuse to. But the idea of spending the rest of my life with him just feels right. Which is also just as terrifying as the whole marriage thing. So basically right now I just keep biting my tongue and going along with this whole ‘break’ thing we have going. I am probably going to get so screwed by this later but that’s ok. I’m ok with it for right now and I’m purposefully NOT looking at the future where this is concerned. The rest of my life demands enough attention right now. So does all the other crap that’s coming in my future.

My mom’s wound is supposedly getting better but every time I change her dressing it looks worse. I made her call her doctor today because I’ve started noticing, well, things, poking out of the wound. Not necessarily the wires again but whatever they are I don’t know so I’m not going to just go pulling them out. For all I know they are coating from the wires in the spinal stimulator or (ew) worms. As I said, I don’t know and I am not messing with what I don’t know a thing about. She refused to call the doctor saying I was overreacting but considering how much has gone wrong with her injury and the subsequent treatments I’m not going to take any chances. Hopefully he will see her soon and I will be there talking to him about it since she can’t see what I see on her back.

Ok, I’m going to go and see about doing something a little less thought-provoking and more relaxing like read or watch a movie or something.