the L-word, part 2

He did it again this morning!!  I was dropping him off at the store for work and he’s getting his stuff out of the backseat.  I’m turned around watching, to make sure he gets it all and he looks up as he’s getting ready to shut the door and smiles and says "I love you".  I almost said it back.  I got "I lo—" and clammed up, whipped around, and said nothing.  He laughed.  He came to my window, apologized, I told him that was a mean trick, he agreed and apologized again.

I didn’t stop because I don’t mean it. I stopped because as I was saying it, it hit me.  I do mean it.  And that scares the ever-loving hell out of me.  I’m not ready to say that to him.  I’m not ready to say it at all.  As he said it I got those damned annoying flutters in my stomach and my heart leapt into a gallop.  I wanted to say it back and then the fear hit and I couldn’t.  I’m not ready to say it.  I’m not sure I’m even ready to accept that I feel that way.

I thought Quinn was my soulmate.  When we broke up it broke me.  I didn’t think I’d ever be able to care about someone that deeply again.  I’m pretty sure a part of me still loves Quinn in spite of everything.  Thinking about him still hurts, still makes me start tearing up, makes me miss him.  It’s so weird.  I still miss him even though I’ve come to terms with our separation and I know it’s for the best.  I am learning more, accepting more with each day, just how incompatible we really were.  It doesn’t make me miss him less.

Now there’s Isaac.  The looming shadow of the L-word creeping up.

And I don’t know what to do.

Xx