talking to myself

 Luke and I haven’t even known each other for a month.  It feels like we’ve known each other for ages though.  We talk about so many things and we’ve told each other some pretty bad secrets (like we have both cut at times in our lives).  He knows that I have psychological issues going on.  He knows a lot of it has been the crap I’ve been dealing with for the last 8 months; the ex, losing one of my jobs, school, student loans, car payments, all of it.

So I haven’t really talked much about Luke, although he has been the focus of the last entry or 2.

He’s 27, divorced, has 2 daughters by two different women.  His parents have custody of his daughters while he gets on his feet again.  He actually had custody of them up until last year or so.  He transferred here from the mid-west for his job then subsequently got laid off because of the recession about a year later (about a year ago).  He just got a new job (I mean JUST, he started officially 2 days ago) at a pawn store.  It’s a job and in this economy you can’t knock it.  He’s working on getting a computer programming degree.  He wants to design/make video games.  He’s a big enough dork that he could do it.  He does ‘world of darkness’ which I’ve been informed is a tabletop rpg like D&D.  He’s a member of the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism, the people who dress up and wage ‘war’ against each other).  He doesn’t have a car, he doesn’t have a real phone, he’s got some Google voice thingy so that he only can use the phone on wi-fi.  He plans to look into getting a car in the next couple of paychecks.  Apparently one of his friends is a mechanic and is helping him look for a particular car that you can get cheap and do a relatively cheap fix on it so that you have a 2000-something model car for about $1000.  He wants to get his own place (or more his own, right now he shares a room with another guy and I’m not okay with spending the night) because he can’t spend the night here.  He plans to get a real phone too.  I’ve told him to take it slow.  He really needs to get his feet under himself first, make sure the job will stick for a while before he makes plans like moving.  The car is a good idea and so is the phone, but the moving can wait a little bit.

He texts me all the time, he texts me goodnight pretty much every night.  When we are together he stares.  It freaked me out at first but after a while a got used to it.  He touches me all the time but not in an obtrusive, obsessive way.  If we’re out he’ll hold my hand or put his hand on the small of my back.  If we’re at home he’ll wrap his arms around me, play with my hair, stroke my face.  He tells me all the time that I’m beautiful.  He loves my eyes.  He isn’t freaked when I get snarky/sarcastic.  He thinks it’s cute when I make faces at things I don’t like.  He loves all my ‘character voices’ (ie; when I start sounding like a little kid to be cute and get my way).  He worries that I won’t stay with him because he doesn’t have a car or money to take me out or to buy me things.  He wants to quit smoking because it bothers me.

And Twin 2 and I discussed our ‘bolting syndrome’.  We have decided the reason that we want to bolt (since this is my first encounter with it and with a guy who treats me quite the way that Luke does) is because we don’t know what to do with a guy who actually WANTS us around.  We are so used to guys who we have to fight for, fight for their time and attention, fight to get them to pay attention to us.  When a guy comes along who wants us around, wants to spend time with us, wants us in their lives, we don’t know how to react.  Here are these really great guys coming along and they actively put us into their lives, find reasons to spend time with us, call when they say they will, keep their plans with us, don’t blow us off for stupid reasons, and neither of us are used to dealing with a guy who actually finds ways to include us in their lives, guys who make it obvious and beyond a doubt that they want us around, that they enjoy spending time with us.  So we get scared, we freak out and get scared of hurting a guy like that, of being the center of someone else’s attention, of having someone of the opposite gender who makes it so easy to be with them.  We don’t know how to react, what to do.  So our first instinct is to run from something that is so unfamiliar to us.

So we are going to be each other’s cheerleaders, pep-talkers, and reality check.  "Why are you afraid?  Why do you want to run?  Is there anything actually wrong with this guy?"  We’ve started doing it already.

I think I have it easier because I’ve talked to Luke about it.  Not about all of it but he knows that at times I’ve been freaked out by the whole kit and caboodle, the fact that things are going so well, that we do have so much in common, get along so well, etc.  But it’s easier because he doesn’t dismiss it when I tell him things.  Let’s face it, most guys would hear concerns like that and either a) freak out themselves or b) think I was crazy.  Luke just takes it in stride and we talk about it.

Ok well, I’ve spent most of the day cleaning and working on laundry, so I’m going to check on my comforter and see if it’s dry and then put it away.  Dawn is supposed to come over tonight to watch Once Upon a Time (<3 that show!!!) and I want my linens put away again when she gets here.  I also want to go and get something to eat before she gets here and I want to relax a little bit, maybe read for an hour or 2 (can you believe I haven’t picked up a book in over a month?  Weird!!!)  I need to finish re-installing Itunes since it decided to act up on me the other day and stop reading my Ipod.  *growl*  And I’m really hungry so I think the food will be first priority.