still dying

I’m still dying. Yesterday was impossibly hard. I had to go to work and while the girls knew what happened and were supportive without being really nosy it didn’t stop me from leaking tears a few times. I only worked 4 hours. I work 8 hours today. Today is going to be hell.

I found out my aunt was trying to get with Quinn to plan a romantic surprise for me for the weekend I go down for the 75th. She didn’t know what happened. I told him not to bother calling her back, she knew now what was going on. We got into a fight.

He started dating this other girl over the weekend. He won’t tell me who it is because he’s protecting her from me. Apparently half my friends think I will turn into some vindictive psycho and go off on her, including Quinn. Which hurts me more than I was already hurting. That apparently people who are close to me know so little about me, think so little of me.

And I’m getting so tired of hearing "It’s his loss" because you know what, it’s bull. If it were his loss he’d be the one in pieces and dying right now, not me. No, he’s quite happily flouncing around with his new interest. So it’s not his loss. The only real reason he’s probably dating this girl is because she’s close by, she’s convenient.

He doesn’t have the guts to try and make a real relationship work. Instead he’ll go for what seems easier. I hope it fahking blows up in his arrogant face. I hope she finds out just how shitty he can be and how bad his mood swings get and realizes he’s damaged goods because he is. He always has been. And he doesn’t really want to be fixed or know how to be fixed. I didn’t care that he was damaged. I loved him. I still love him, who am I kidding? I don’t think I will ever stop loving him.

I feel like I might as well die right now. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining.

I’m not okay. I don’t think I ever will be again.