spinning my wheels

I’m waiting for an email.  I don’t think it will come today so I may just take off soon for Wall-e world.  Or I may go read my new book.  Or work on stuff for the sorority.  I have to make some posters and stuff for next Monday.  They are going on my ZTB’s door (A ZTB is like a little but not a little, it’s just one of the pledges, we take them before Bigs/littles are chosen, it’s like a welcome committee thing haha).  So I need to get crepe paper in green, I have some in yellow already and I have to paint the posters and once I find out who my ZTB is I need to pick a party shirt for her.  I need tape, like masking/duct tape.  I have painters tape in purple though, I might use that since the door decorations don’t usually stay up very long.

So Hunter came back yesterday.  We talked.  It didn’t go well.  Really not well.  I’m going to start the cauterization process.  I’ve managed to hold myself together today when talking about it with my big.  Mostly I’m just forcing myself to be numb so I don’t have to deal with feeling disappointed anymore.   I think I’ll be ok, I just need some time to sort out how I feel and to separate my self as his friend from my self that wants more.    I hate feeling like this, and I hate that I feel this way so often.  It never seems to matter what I do or don’t do, how I feel, what I say.  The plot never changes.  Only the scenery and the players.

~*~*~Blessed Be~*~*~