short story

Isaac spent the night last night. It was good. I guess I’m trying to squeeze all the time I can in with him now before he leaves. I just can’t believe he leaves in a month. I’m really hoping he passes his PT test while they’re at training so he gets his four day pass before they actually ship out in June. May is going to be so hard. I won’t get to talk to him much if at all. I won’t see him at all. And that’s just the beginning. A whole 6 months (still being told it will only be a six month tour) of not seeing him and being lucky to talk to him.

We have still not said we love each other. I’m still skittish because I don’t know how he will react. I really want to be able to say it before he leaves. I just don’t want to say it when I don’t know that he won’t say it back. What if he does say it back? Am I ready to deal with that commitment again?

And of course there is someone reading this thinking "If you love him, even if you don’t tell him, aren’t you committed anyway?" Yes and no. Yes because if things end it will break my heart but not as badly. It’s like standing on the 50 yard line of a football field. You can see the end-zone but you haven’t made the touchdown yet. So until you’ve made the touchdown there aren’t any points on the board. The game isn’t really in play yet. That’s how it feels to me. I’m standing here, holding the ball, waiting for the snap and waiting for the real game to begin. Because, let’s face it grown-ups, once love starts getting tossed around in a relationship, things change. I don’t understand it any more than you do, but they do. Things start becoming more important, fights start meaning more because if you’re fighting over something stupid, does that mean you aren’t really in love? You start dealing with all of these doubts and insecurities that you don’t have to deal with up until that point. Up until then you can ignore them, you can write them off because in theory you can still walk away on a tie instead of a loss, or without ever having even played the game at all.

*sigh* I am way to much of a thinker. I should work for the government in some brain-lab somewhere where they can study the convoluted trails that my mind comes up with.

I’m working on a short story. Not much just a creative outlet, something to occupy my time and my brain that doesn’t make me stress out (ie: studying for the PTCE like I will be doing in a few more weeks). Nor does it require a great deal of time or effort on my part. No deadlines, no critics. Just me and the keyboard at work. It’s relaxing.

Got the car back today. Running great, purring like a kitten. I’ll have to see what else goes wrong with it here soon, or what might go wrong before the warranty expires and get it taken care of soon.

Mom took the clothes to Goodwill today. I still have to take the Xbox over but I’m thinking it might wait until Saturday. I also need to pick up a library book but I have a feeling the hold on that is going to expire before I make it over there at this rate since it expires tomorrow and I work all day. Maybe I will force myself out of bed early and get there before work. Maybe. Or maybe I will just re-request it lol. There is a booksale at the library I pass on my way to work that starts tomorrow too. I’d like to check that out and see what they’ll have. Truthishly, I don’t need another book but they might have one or two I’d make an exception for.

I need to start buying more for my Nook like I said I would. God knows their usually cheaper but I just don’t have the money for new books at all lately and used books beat e-books lol.