sad thoughts

PMSing and being sick seem to make for a very easily emotional Mimi.  I spent most of my lunch break crying.

I was making stupid mistakes at work today and getting stressed out over everything.

I was thinking of this stupid blood work I need to get done and how I really can’t get it done if I’m sick.

I was trying to make an appointment with my doctor to get antibiotics for this sinus cold.  Otherwise the thing will take weeks to clear up.  

I was waiting on Isaac to come and get my car and take it over to the shop to get looked at.

I was thinking about the stupid fiasco with Progressive.

I was thinking that I’m a horrible friend because I haven’t called back half of the people I’ve promised to call and talk to; I’ve just been so busy with work and the puppies and Isaac.  I need to make those calls tomorrow night…or at least text them back or something.

I literally was playing phone-tag with the doctors office about getting an appointment to get in for the antibiotics but I’ve given up on that idea and am going to go to one of the PrimeCare clinics in town.  It’s going to be a busy day tomorrow.  I work at 2 so I’ll have to go to the PrimeCare clinic first thing and then head over to the State Farm office to meet with David.  If I don’t meet up with him today I’ll just give him a call and set up a time to meet with him after work on Thursday or Friday.  We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

I started thinking about Isaac and our conversation yesterday.  Is it wrong that I’m thinking of breaking up with him?  I enjoy his company, I enjoy being with him, even when we’re just laying in bed talking.  I’ve fallen for him hard.  But what’s the point?  He doesn’t see us as being serious.  He’s enjoying just dating.  We’re just dating?  Okay…we’re dating.  But after 5 months isn’t it a little tiny bit serious?  I mean, 5 months is kind of a long time, not a super-long time or anything.  But still.  I don’t know.  I’d like to think we at least have the potential to be serious.  Does he think we do?  Does he even want anything serious at all?  Is he enjoying dating too much?  I don’t know.  I just know that if he doesn’t see us as having a chance at being serious I’ll need to make a good fold and just give up.  I’ve already invested more in this than I anticipated.  Is there really any point to staying in a relationship longer if there is no long term potential?  Maybe I’m being to serious about this but it’s how I feel.  I want to find love, just like everyone.  Do I honestly expect to find it?  NO, not really.  Every time I’ve ever even thought that I had found it it was a huge disaster!  I’m not sure if the guy really exists who can love me the way I need to be loved.  And if he does exist I don’t know where he is.

So now I’m just sort of…hanging here.  Mid-step, mid-thought, en medias res.  I have no idea what to do or say or even to think.  We had dinner tonight and nothing was just one thing.  Everything suddenly had a new meaning, a second meaning, some way to be interpreted that it didn’t have before.  I want to say something but what do I say?  What can I say?  How can I say it so that it doesn’t go horribly wrong?  I mean, how do you tell someone you don’t want to break up with them but you are thinking about it?  All because they aren’t interested in a serious thing.  What if you’re not sure what they want?  How do you ask them what they want?  

GAAAAAH!

My head hurts. *cries*

Xx