recap of a broken weekend

So I re-read my last entry and I know it is disjointed and confused.  I wrote it at 5am on an emotional rollercoaster.  I’ll start at the beginning.

We went out to Grady’s (a bar here in town) on Thursday.  Dos was there as well as some friends.  Things went great.  Everyone had fun.  Dos and I shared a very brief meaningless kiss, he stole an ice cube out of my mouth was all it was.  He and I and another friend of ours, Diane, went back to my place and hung out.  Dos and I cuddled sort of, I laid my head in his lap.  It was great because I didn’t think about Quinn.  I have been deathly afraid that doing little intimate things like that with another guy would open the floodgates to all that pain I’ve managed to push my way through and lock away.  It didn’t so I was ecstatic the next day at work.  I made an offhand comment that those two things were part of why I was in such a good mood.  I think he took it the wrong way.  Fast forward to Friday night.  We’re at a party at a friends house, Dos doesn’t want to come out when I ask him.  He comes out when the guy having the party tells him to come over.  I end up getting into a philosophical debate with another friend about relationships, something I REALLY didn’t want to do and kept trying to get out of but dude was like a dog with a bone.  So I ended up crying and between that and Dos suddenly ignoring me, my good mood went to hell fast.  So I left.

Fast forward, again now to Saturday night.  Diane and I decide to watch movies and have a quiet night in.  Then we both start getting pestered to come to another party at another friend’s place.  We decide to go for a little while just really to say hi and catch up with some people we hadn’t seen for a while who were there.  She drove because again we hadn’t planned on staying or drinking.  She ended up drinking, I was okay with 1 or 2 drinks because I know she can handle that.  I lost track of her during the party.  Dos was still ignoring me, another guy was hitting on me but he was wasted and had just broken up with his girlfriend so I was not touching that.  Another guy was flirting but I was obviously until today when he came out and told me so.  Everyone was getting trashed except little old me as usual.  Now I enjoy the parties honestly, in the early phase when people are either sober or just starting to feel the alcohol.  But after a certain point it becomes a bit much and I usual dip out, which is around 2am or so usually.  Around 2:30am I go looking for Diane, she’s trashed in the bathroom.  FML.  So I’m like ok, just wait for her to sober up a bit, it’ll be fine.  If she sobers up a little she can teach me to drive stick we’ll be fine.  I know the concept just have no practice so I know it wouldn’t be that hard.  Well by 4am she hadn’t sobered up at all.  But she tells me to get her keys and go to her car and bring it around and we’ll leave.  We had parked out in the boons and walked to the townhouse and I didn’t want to risk burning out her clutch.  So I asked if someone would walk down with me at least so I didn’t have to walk in the dark by myself, preferably someone who could drive stick.  The only option was Christian.

Christian is only really a friend of a friend to me.  We’ve never really sat and talked, we’ve never hung out.  I know him as snide and sarcastic and cynical.  Not a bad guy but not someone I’d usually hang out with.  I’m okay with snide and sarcastic but cynical and I are a bad combination, no matter how depressed I am.  I’d never really noticed Christian before, he got a hair cut since the last time I saw him and no joke, I didn’t recognize him at first on Friday night when he was at the other party.

Well by this time I was in a fit.  I’d been ignored by Dos, stranded by Diane, groped by Billy, and all around awkward with everyone else.  I was ready to go home and was madder than a hornet.  So poor Christian got to hear me grousing to myself the entire walk to the car about things going wrong and how I should just stay home and stop trying to have a good time because it never ends that way, etc, etc.  He drove the car down to the townhouse because we were supposed to go and pick up Diane.  He was telling me how to drive stick the whole time.  Then he decided he would just take me home and come back, no big deal.  He continued to give me a driving lesson, offering to pull over and let me practice but I wasn’t having that by that point, I was still fit to be tied more or less.  We didn’t really talk until we were almost to my house.  I don’t even remember what we talked about.  

We pulled up in front of my house and I realized I was going to have to deal with momster because the lights were still on.  Diane was blowing up my phone.  I’d had another shitty night.  I was in a sour mood.  Christian hugged me and started to tickle me.  Then he leaned over and started kissing me.  We bantered, we kissed, we argued, we kissed, we joked, we kissed.  I tried to walk away several times but then he’d look at me with those blue eyes of his, make some acerbic comment that I’d get all flustered over and we’d be right back to kissing and groping like teenagers again.  I’m dense but even I know he was probably purposefully keeping me distracted from leaving by provoking me and then kissing me.  He knew I enjoyed kissing once we started.  He knew my body wanted more.  He knew I wasn’t ready for more, not really.  I got upset at myself at one point because I started feeling like a whore.  Here I was breaking all these promises to myself about staying away from guys, about not kissing and not doing anything.  And I was doing it in front of my house, in full view of my neighbors with the engine still purring and the headlights still on.  I hit the dashboard a couple times in frustration.  He took my hand, told me stop because I was going to hurt myself, then proceeded to kiss my fingers.  I told him I couldn’t do this for several reasons in the course of things: for all I know he could do this to every damsel in distress he rescues, he could do it all the time to any girl for that matter and I’m not one of those girls, I don’t know anything about him except his name, not even his whole name either.  I asked him at one point if he even knew my name.  He said, it starts with an M right?  I about slapped him but I really wanted to slap myself.  I don’t know if he was joking or serious, I honestly can’t tell when he is joking or serious.

I finally go to get out of the car.  He doesn’t ask for my number, nothing.  He just drives away, although he sat there long enough to make sure I got into the house.  I know because while he moved the car I watched the headlights out of the corner of my eye.  He pulled into a driveway (mine, a neighbor’s I’m not sure) and sat there.  I don’t know if he sat there a few minutes more or not because I went inside and shut off the outside light.  I didn’t check to see if he’d left or not.

So now I’m left confused as all crap. &nb

sp;I spent the afternoon with B hanging out.  We are good as just friends and we both know exactly where we stand with each other.  I told him about it and he told me this was a ‘duh’ case of Christian liking me.  I want to know why he thinks that.  Christian has never really said much to me at all except for snarky comments now and then when we’re all hanging out.  He didn’t ask for my number, has never made an attempt to really talk to me.

But when I sat down and thought about it I remember that for a while at the party on Saturday, after I was starting to get upset about Diane being wasted, he was seeming to pop up everywhere I went.  I’d be in the kitchen and he’d be standing next to a counter a few feet away, then he’d be there next to me and a small group of us would be talking and I know I caught him watching me sometimes.  But I didn’t note any of this before because well, maybe I just didn’t want to see it.  I don’t know.  But now I am stuck here thinking about all these little details over and over and wondering just what happened?  What happened between us in the car?  Why all of a sudden did a guy who has barely spoken a whole paragraph to me suddenly feel the need to kiss me like he was trying to own me, but being so caring about freaking me out, because no lie it was and he knew it while it was happening.  He let me stop things when I thought they were going too far.  And he let me get out of that car without demanding anything.  But why the FRICK did all that happen?????  Why did he start kissing me????  Was he really just trying to make me feel better and if so couldn’t he have found a simpler way of doing it than resorting to physical persuasion???

I think I let him though because he was my hero at the time.  He had gotten me out of a situation that was upsetting me.  He’d been downright sweet on the drive to my house.  I was lonely as all freaking hell of course.  I’ve been aching to be touched for a month now but forcing myself to ignore that feeling because I know I get attached when I’m touched.  I don’t want to be attached.  I want to just be uncomplicated for a while.  And that means no hooking up, no making out, and no dating.  I was hormonal, it was that time of the month on top of it all.  I was feeling neglected by some of my friends.  I don’t know, all sorts of things could have factored in to why I let it happen.  I don’t really know.

I don’t really know what happened exactly or why it happened.  And I’m deathly afraid now to confront the situation.  Because if it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck so my luck would be he doesn’t remember doing it (although he wasn’t drunk, he’d been drinking) or he’d give me the same answer about just wanting to make me feel better.  Ugh.  But then I don’t know what I’d do if he told me it was because he was genuinely attracted to me and really was interested in me.  Right now I don’t know which answer I would dislike the most.  *sigh*

 

 

 

Xx