one a day

Advisory: Adult content in this entry. You have been warned.

I’m trying to make a point to write an entry every day, even if it’s some boring silly, I did nothing special but this is how I feel today, waste of interweb space. I hope that by doing this I will start to maybe work out my thoughts better instead of just holding all this crap in like I’ve been doing. Bottling up all this negativity is probably what’s the worst for me of all the things I do.

So today was um, well, I’m not sure what today was. It was normal and kind of boring but a little insightful too. I didn’t do much of anything since I’m still broke. I haven’t started the new job and I haven’t heard back about training yet but that’s probably because every new hire has to pass their drug/background checks first. I think there will be 4-6 of us starting together. I may end up calling over there tomorrow to see if they have set a date yet but they probably haven’t. Still I’d rather be safe then sorry, gawd, missing training would be a ridiculous nightmare I don’t need to deal with.

I talked to Quinn for a little bit today…okay a lot a bit today. And it was almost like things were getting back to normal. And we were having a good conversation. Then he went to class. He got back and we got on the topic of sex. I told him that Irish is planning to come and visit with me one weekend coming up and that we are going to eat ice cream and watch movies and cuddle and just be girly together. Neither of us is lesbian/bisexual, we just like to cuddle and have no problem cuddling with girls when we know its platonic which between us it is. Then Quinn started insinuating we would hook up and we started talking about whether or not I would ever mess around with a girl. The conversation turned to my fantasies which we have never really talked about. I have tried a few times to act them out but of course I got nervous/embarrassed and they ended up disasters. So he asked me to tell him about them. We also talked about porn and a bunch of other sex-related stuff. Eventually he called me, admitted that he had basically been playing with himself for the entirety of our conversation, 2 whole hours basically, and we ended up having phone sex. This was of course after he very clearly outlined to me that we were just friends and that if we hung out again it would be purely friends, watching tv and hanging out kind of stuff. No kissing, no sex. But he made it a point to tell me he does still want me and that I should never doubt that. He just needs to distance himself from me so he can sort out his feelings. Obviously after this whole conversation I was surprised that he called and the whole phone sex thing happened. I’m not really sure what to make of it. And of course right afterward he was like ok bye but as it was middle of the day on our cells, minutes matter. We started taking on AIM for a few minutes then he left. I wasn’t worried or anything, it’s a big weekend at Uni, it’s Oktoberfest and gawd how I wish I was there instead of here. And not because of Quinn. I don’t want to be here that’s all. But yeah so now I’m just a smidge confused and rather interested to see what happens next between us. oh and as for why he wanted to talk about my fantasies. He says I need practice, to get over my embarrassment about talking about sexual things (which is true and valid actually). When I told him at one point that it didn’t matter (ie-him and me getting my fantasies to work out) because we weren’t together he replied, it might be important someday soon. Um, ok? This was before the phone sex and all.

As for the rest of my life, mom is scheduled for more surgery on Wednesday, Aunt is scheduled to have tumor removed but I wasn’t told when plus she’s getting more tests to confirm an infection in her blood next week and they’ll go from there on the treatment.

And on to another FML moment in my life (cause it’s chock full of them ), Hunter started texting me about a month ago and I can’t remember if I ever mentioned it or not. Well he did. Basically all he ever says is he misses me, he cares about me, he’s sorry he screwed up, can he have a second chance, he’s changed, he did love me but was scared to commit to me…blah, blah, blah! I mean, really? Give me a break. You decided you couldn’t even be my friend, stopped talking to me entirely and then pull the 180 and expect me to actually smile and say oh yeah sure, I’ll give you another chance. Thank gawd he kept pulling all that crap so I never fell for him. I was always on that precipice looking down knowing all it would take was one little step and I would be in love. But he just couldn’t behave long enough for me to take the step so I never fell. I did love him though, I just wasn’t in love with him. I’m so annoyed that now all of a sudden when my life is complicated enough he comes around begging for my attention, begging me to hang out with him and give him a chance. I just am so frustrated with people right now. I just don’t need this crap right now. But I’m not a bitch and I don’t want to just be like f*ck off you prick! He’s not a bad guy, just a stupid one. So I have told him I would find a time to hang out with him and we would see where it went. Its not going to go anywhere because I’m not the kind of person to be with one person when I want to be with someone else. If it isn’t the one I want, I don’t want anyone. That’s just how I operate. And Quinn, for all the ridiculousness going on right now, is the one I want.

Ok, it’s getting late and I’m tired. So I’m gonna head to bed.