nojomo day 16
So I am back from work and sitting in bed trying to get feeling back in my toes because I sat outside for a little while watching the stars. Saw a couple of meteors already so that made me feel pretty spiffy since the majority of the meteors won’t be visible until 1am-dawn.
Ok so the run down of last night. I told Quinn about something that girl had said to me in conversation that had concerned me. It made him kind of upset so eventually he ended up confronting her about it and she denied having said it so he asked if I would send him the convo. I had no problem doing it because I have nothing to hide in them. I think pretty much everything I’ve ever said in them I’ve said to him at one point or another. So he read it, got more upset about stuff, but not upset at me just at girl. Eventually he ended up saying "I wish you could see what she’s told me sometimes." Next thing I know I’m getting a file sent to me and it’s his saved AIM convos with girl. Since you can’t exactly edit them I have a years worth of convo now. It’s a mixed blessing. I have found out some things that I really wish I didn’t know, not now, not ever, about Quinn and how he has felt at certain points while he and I have been together. I was physically ill from reading some of their conversations because while these particular ones took place months ago, because I was just reading them it was like they were just happening to me. I felt unbelievably betrayed by some of the things that were said and were implied by their convo. I got so upset that I finally called Quinn and flipped out saying things like "why did you send this to me? why did you say these thing? did you not care about me? was I not a priority to you ever?"
But then he said something to me that helped me to calm down and it’s what makes think that he and I are making progress and is about the only reason I am not holding on to the things I read and letting them taint things. I asked "Why did you send me this?" he said he didn’t have a reason, he just wanted me to know. He said he has never shared saved convos with anyone before because he feels it is a betrayal of the trust of the other person in the convo. So in a way he betrayed girl by giving me the convo. And he is saying the L word again. He has changed a lot of the last months or so and I haven’t really written about it because it’s been subtle things here and there. I still don’t know quite how to deal with what I know now about him and girl. He never cheated on me, let me be very clear about that! The betrayal feeling came from the fact that they were talking about what they would do if he were single or they’d talk about hooking up and then one of them would say ‘but you are taken’ and at one point he actually said "not forever though". So understandably, I’m upset, but again, this was said several months ago, over the summer while I was in Florida and we were just starting to date and we were having issues with the distance anyway. I don’t know yet. I’m taking it one day at a time right now, that’s my decision so far. I mean, what else can I do? I mean yeah I could go psycho and be like "you’re an ass" and flounce off all offended but that’s not my style. And what would be the point. He showed me a lot of trust by giving me that convo. He knew I would read it, and I would read whatever parts I wanted to. Or I could have not read it. He didn’t know what I would do or how I would react but he trusted me enough to give me the option to read it and make of it what I will. That took guts. And it’s not something he has never done before with anyone else. He doesn’t trust easily because so many people have screwed him over in the last few years that what little trust he had in people has been ruined. It’s a little like trying to tame a feral animal. Patience, lots of patience, and just being there when things get shitty and not bailing because they aren’t all peaches and cream and perfect happy go lucky bunny, it’s putting up with his grumpy mood swings and his need sometimes to just withdraw and be a grouch. It’s knowing when to push and when not to and trying to decide what path is best in what situation.
Ok. I’m done ranting. I’m going to take care of some emails and go to bed.
Xx
