no other choice

 I have to write or I’m liable to get in my car and do something very fucking stupid.

Isaac is home.  He was at Grady’s tonight.  No acknowledgement, nothing.  I started shaking and feeling nauseous.  I had to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes to make sure I didn’t actually toss my cookies before I left.  Still shaking, still throwing up.  All I wanted to do was punch him in his lying fucking face.  I wanted to beat the truth out of him, wanted to beat remorse into him.  I wanted to punish him for doing this to me.

I was just starting to get better.  I wasn’t totally better but I was finally making progress.  I was making plans, I was actually starting to talk to guys again without being suspicious, without being uncaringly angry and bitchy to them just because I still hurt.  I was even considering going on a date.  Mind you it’s one of my awkward friends from a while back who I’ve always known has had a crush on me but who I have always discouraged.  I was thinking about it just to be nice, to go out and see if could actually have fun on a ‘date’.  That hope is dashed I think.  I’m still way to angry only now it’s even worse.

He didn’t even fucking acknowledge me walking past him.  His brother Dos saw me walking past, I think he saw me, I vaguely recall eye contact but I was making a point not to stop, even making my friends walk behind me and hold onto me so I didn’t do something stupid to get myself kicked out.  It was hard, Twin 1 actually had a death grip on my shoulders as we walked out.  They even walked me to my car and made sure I got in and left.  True friends there.  True friends keep you from doing stupid shit that they know you will regret once you come back to your right mind.

I’m still not in my right mind but I don’t have a choice.  I have to try and pull myself together.  I can’t go back to that darkness.  I’ve worked my ass off to get out of it and I will be damned before I let him do this to me again.  I’m just waiting for the shakes and the vomiting to quit then I’m going to bed.  I have a busy day tomorrow.  I have to hit the DMV to update the tags on the truck and then my grandad and I are supposed to go to lunch then I have to clean and bake cookies all day…I may spend time with Twin 2 if I can find her…

I hate this feeling.  I’m so tired of it.  And I’m tired of my emotions being such easy and effective weapons against me.  I’m tired of hurting and being angry.  I’m just fucking tired!!!