morning

 I’m not a morning person.  I don’t like waking up at all.  I live with morning people now and at 0830 this morning they were tromping around like a herd of buffalo and woke me up.  So I’ve been awake since then, sort of laying around.

I haven’t updated lately.  I haven’t really had much worth sharing.  It’s the same shit every day right now.  Work, study, go to class, clean, sleep, repeat.  Friday nights I go out to karaoke with the crew.  That’s my life.  It’s boring and monotonous but it’s getting me through the days.  The nights still suck though.  I want so desperately to be curled up next to someone, to have his arm wrapped protectively over me while I sleep.  I don’t think it’s ever going to happen again.  I’m starting to accept that.  I think that’s the worst part.  That I’m almost okay with it all.

My grandparents bed broke.  The bed they’d had for 30 some odd years.  The same bed where Isaac and I had sex for the first time (while I was house-sitting).  I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a sign or not but I realized it this morning.  Speaking of Isaac, his unit might be coming home early.  Turns out that they were supposed to be deployed until next June but now might be coming home as early as December.  Shitty Christmas present for me huh?

Half of  my friends have it in their head that he’s going to come home and grovel for forgiveness and another chance.  The other half want to shoot him on sight.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what I want to happen where he’s concerned.  I still love him, I still miss him.  But honestly, I know I deserve to be treated better than he treated me the last few months.  Deployment or no, nobody should be dismissed the way that I was.  Nobody deserves to be made to feel like they don’t matter.  If you love them, you don’t treat them that way.  Period.

Something else that has occurred to me in the last few weeks since I’ve written (okay, months, semantics), I fix people.  I don’t do it on purpose, I sure as hell don’t pick these guys on purpose to fix them.  And yet almost every guy I’ve dated, that I’m still ‘in touch with’ is happily in a committed relationship, one that really seems to make them happy, happier than they were with me.  On the one hand, OUCH, that hurts my pride to see.  On the other hand, I feel…proud.  I helped them get to that point in their life.  Maybe I’m some kind of "good luck Chuck" or something.  What’s my proof?  Ok, let’s run through this.  Jay, happily married father of 2.  Raymond, happily married, new father.  Some of you might remember Hunter from college?  The highly religious, way too picky guy?  Happily married since graduation.  Quinn, my commitment-phobic ex, happily committed to a girl for about a year now, way more so than he was with me.  B, happily committed and engaged now, possibly married even, we fell back out of touch a while ago.  Yes the same B who said he didn’t really believe in marriage.  All of these guys and most of them with the next girl that they dated after me.

It’s discouraging and enlightening at the same time.  I don’t know what to make of it.  But it’s part of why I’ve sworn myself to celibacy in every sense of the word.  I’m not even dating.  Every guy I seem to be attracted to is a guy with issues and I’m tired of dealing with other people’s issues and ending up hurt.  So I’m just not giving another guy the opportunity to hurt me again.  Ever.

See, this is why I haven’t posted.  I have had nothing to share other than horribly depressing stressed out thoughts.  

I have been keeping up with some of my bookmarks though, I haven’t said much, or I think anything on some of them.  The truth is, I have nothing left to say.  I just am tired all the time and I have no doubt that I’m in full-blown depression.  Which is why I don’t let myself stop moving, why I push myself to keep working, to keep studying, to stay busy and to leave the house at least once a week.  I don’t do anything though.  I still don’t paint, I’ve stopped working on my jewelry.  When I have down time, I sit around and do nothing, I don’t even read most of the time, I just sit and stare into space, thinking and thinking and thinking.  And hurting.