morning

By rights I should be getting ready for work or out with the puppies. I have spent some time with them today and they aren’t alone so don’t guilt trip me over it.

I think I am just in one of those ‘down’ moments. I think it’s hormones but I can’t be sure. I’ve been feeling very down and very sensitive all week. For instance: I was watching the AFC game the other night. I’m a Jets fan. I shouted when they got a touchdown. I was at Isaac’s house. One of his brothers pokes his head around the door and looks at me like I’m crazy, walks away and shuts the door to the room that they are all in talking. I was almost in tears I was so embarrassed and hurt by that simple action of shutting the door. I’m almost in tears just thinking about it. I’ve been ready to cry over just about anything. But I also have no motivation, no energy. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have stuff to do but I have no desire to do anything but lay around.

I have to work and I’m just this side of calling out sick, that’s how bad it is. I’m ready to curl up in bed and just bawl my eyes out! For no EFFING REASON!!!!

Remembered what else I wanted to write about.

Isaac and I, Sunday night, had a brief discussion. As I was leaving I got up the nerve to tell him we needed to talk. Understandably he went on the defensive. I told him it was about the deployment since it’s going to be here before we know it. Especially since they have set the official date for May and they are now on the weekly check-in leg of the trip. He asked "What do you want to talk about?" About us. What’s going to happen to us when you leave? He looked at me confused. A lot of guys want to go overseas single so they can do stupid things and not get in trouble and also (IMO) so they don’t risk getting hurt by their S.O. if the other party does something stupid. "Ok?" Is that going to happen to us? "I don’t know, it’s your decision."

WTF? I don’t want to make the decision. I want US to decide what will happen to US in May!! I don’t want to sit there and try to decide if we’ll have been together long enough, if we’re strong enough as a couple, to survive a deployment, particularly since he flat-out doesn’t know when he’ll be coming back. It could be six months, it could be a year. They don’t know for sure yet. I don’t want to make that kind of decision on my own. I don’t want to say yes or no and then regret it. I don’t want to make a decision for US. It should be both of us, because let’s face it, it takes two people to be in a relationship but more importantly it takes two people to MAKE IT WORK!!!

*sigh* Now that I really do want to cry in bed all day again, I have to go and get ready for work.