meeerrrrp

It was an interesting last couple hours/days…whatever.  So B got here about midnight the other night.  He got off work early and I’d expected him pretty close to 11pm because of it but instead he stopped halfway and got some gas and food and didn’t tell me so at about 11:30 I was starting to worry because we’ve been having such lousy weather so I called him to make sure he was okay.  At first he didn’t understand why I sounded so angry and I had to explain to him that in my mind I had expected him to only take an hour and 15 mins to get from there to here (as per a usual trip non-stop) and after an additional 15 mins had passed with no word I was worried something had happened.  He said it was cute and that he was sorry he’d worried me and that he was only a few minutes away.

So I talked to Lexi until he got here which was very interesting.  She is the only person I know who would start planning a ‘future’ for me and the guy I’m ‘with’ with no real sign of commitment in the present.  And she really was going at it after I told her B was thinking of going military.  Since Dan is military she was like "Imagine if you guys got married and he was military, you’d have great benefits, your back would never bother you again…" on and on!  I was torn between panic and laughing my @ss off at her.  And I mentioned how he and I are going to the national zoo at some point over the summer (or at least that’s the plan) and she was like "Oh we’ll all go, we’ll bring the boys and I’ll get to meet him and decide if he’s good enough for you."  …..  I was like "Lex, we aren’t even really dating yet" and she goes "Well by then you should be or else kick him to the curb and we’ll all just go without him" ^_^  I love my friends!

And there was no ‘relationship talk’.  Oh there was talk of a relationship nature but no "talk".  In point of fact I’m really kind of annoyed now because I expressed to him, flat-out and in no uncertain terms, that I was ready to start seeing each other exclusively, which in my mind isn’t really a show of commitment.  I know, I know; a lot of people think that yeah it’s a kind of commitment and I see where they’re coming from but to me you really can only get to know a person so well if part of you is kind of … not involved?  I mean, if you’re seeing someone but not exclusive then there is a part of you that is not being shown or that is off looking at other people, if you aren’t flat-out actually seeing someone else too.  Well B and I aren’t currently seeing anyone else right now anyway.  He’s been on I think 1 date since he and I started dating and that was with a girl that really it was more of a ‘lets-be-friends’ type date anyway.  We’ve both openly said that there really isn’t anyone else currently in the picture for either of us.

But he’s a commitment-phobe, understandably considering he’s divorced.  And after a fashion so am I.  I don’t like the idea of being hurt anymore than anyone else in the world does.  And in fact it will keep me from getting close to people a lot of the time.  I hold people at arm’s length for a long time before really letting them have a piece of me, even just as friends.  I’m used to people just walking away randomly or worse yet, doing something to actually betray my trust.  So I don’t let a lot of people in.  But I also recognize that after a certain point I’m already going to be hurt so I might as well just put my whole effort into it.  B is one of those cases.  I already know that at this point if it didn’t work out I would end up being hurt.  I genuinely like and respect B and would love to be friends with him if nothing else.  But I also recognize that there is potential for something that could be good for both of us here. I would rather get hurt taking a risk for something great than to be hurt by missing out on something great.  I hear too many people with regrets of "what if?"  What if I had done this?  What if I had gone here instead?  You can lament regrets until you’re blue in the face but it isn’t going to change the outcome.  I’d rather take a risk and be hurt for it than waste my time wondering what I missed out on because I was afraid.

Oh well.  Time to go and try to actually accomplish something today!

*luv ya bunches*