long nights

I have been really bad over break.  I’ve done almost zero of my homework that I’ve supposed to have been doing and you know what?  I don’t really care at this point.  I’m that fed up with school.  *sigh*  But I keep trying so no yelling at me.  I am genuinely trying to stay on task, it’s just really freaking hard this semester.  It’s like, I’m tired of fighting with the system for crying out loud!

In other news, I went to the city last night at like 11pm to see B.  He invited me to go out to a club with him and I did.  It was pretty fun.  The club has this thing on Friday’s called fetish night.  There were girls walking around in skimpy shorts/underwear and fishnets and they had tape on their nipples…that was it!  I was drooling, I’ll be honest.  B laughed at me because I asked if I could take one of them home and keep them as a pet.  He said sure, whatever made me happy.  We ended up dipping out of there within an hour or so and headed back to his place.  Nothing happened although we both kind of wanted it to and this was technically like our third date.  But he respects that I don’t want to rush into anything and that I especially want to take the physical side of our relationship slow, having been used and left before and how it makes me a little gun-shy.  It’s kind of nice to meet a guy who’s so respectful of what I want.

I also told him about Master.  Didn’t intend to.  I also told him how jealous I’d gotten over finding about North Carolina.  Didn’t intend that either.  It was like word-vomit, it just wouldn’t stop, I kept talking! WTH?  I was literally laying there  in his arms saying "Sarah, what are you doing?  SHUT UP, just shut up."  He just laughed and held me tighter, saying it was cute.  Everything I do seems to be cute to him.  ^__^  But we’ve both decided that we are getting attached to each other whether we like it or not.  No rushing forward or anything he’s a self-professed commitment-phobe and seeing as he’s divorced I can understand why.  Divorce tends to do that to people whether they realize it or not.  They get very antsy about the idea of putting themselves on the line like that again.  Having met his ex-wife (quite by accident and only in passing) I can really understand why on his part.  She is not a very pleasant person from what I’ve seen. 

So of course B asked about Master after I mentioned it by accident.  I tried to explain to him that Master and I don’t really have a physical relationship like most do, that for me it’s more a psychological thing.  I like serving someone.  I’ve spent most of my life taking care of others, doing for others.  It was all I knew growing up and now that I’m on my own most of the time I find myself at a loss.  It’s like it’s not enough to just do it for myself, I have to do it for someone else.  (Yeah, I realize this means I’ll make a great little house-wife for someone one day, I’m well aware!)  I like doing things to make someone else happy, to make their life easier somehow.  He seems to understand and accept that although I don’t think he’s fully grasped how it works, I can tell he’s making an effort at least which was more than I expected.

On another, slightly lighter note, B asked me if I’d be willing to come to one of his MMA matches someday.  I of course said yes.  Somehow in that vein I was joking around and said "I could totally see me going to you before the match and telling you that if you didn’t win, you didn’t get any nookie" and he responded "The next thing you know the guy I’m fighting is a bloody pulp in the center of the ring".  We both laughed of course, to us it was pretty funny.  A great motivator aren’t I? lol

I can’t wait for our zoo date on Tuesday!!  It’s going to be so much fun I already know that.  I’ve yet to not have fun when I’m with him.  It’s a little frightening actually.  Much as I’m fighting not to be attached I know I’m getting attached and I’ve told him so and he’s admitted that he’s getting kind of attached to me too.  I’ve told him it worries me, even that it kind of scares me and he understands and tries so hard to comfort me somehow which only makes it worse.  But I guess you just have to…go with it sometimes and see where you end up.  It may be a good place; it may be a bad place.  Eventually you just have to stop fighting what you feel, stop fighting to make it fit into a neat little box so that it can be put away on a shelf nicely with everything else in your life. 

I always wanted one of those amazing, incredible, turn your world upside down, inconvenient, aggravating loves that just sets your whole world on its ear.  Well I don’t know about the love part but B certainly does a good job of being wonderfully inconvenient and completely amazing at times.  He is just…something else, I can’t say I’ve met anyone like him before.  GAH!