lessons i need to learn

1) To stand up for myself against the people I care about

2) To tell people when they’re hurting my feelings

3) To trust the people around me aren’t going to hurt me on purpose

So you probably guessed that there is a reason I have decided I still need to learn these lessons. 

B is out with some gal pal of his.  I tried to tell him I wanted to meet  her and that him hanging out with her and them spending the night together upsets me.  He reassured me that there would be no shacking up and I do trust him but what is upsetting me is that even though I tried to tell him it upset me he just kind of dismissed it.  And I’ve practically thrown myself at him for the last 2 weeks and he’s turned me down.  I wish I knew what was going on in his mind.  If he doesn’t want me anymore I wish he’d just say so.  I’m getting so tired of having my hopes brought up only for him to do something stupid and thoughtless then me not having the guts to tell him he’s hurt me.

I started to let my guard down, to really start caring for him in the last month or so because he seemed to want to stick around but after the past few weeks…I wonder if I didn’t mis-read things.  Now that my heart is thawed out a bit, now I begin to think I’ll seriously be hurt.  I should have left my heart where it was; locked away where no one could get at it and no one could hurt it.  I was certainly better off with my heart put away in a block of ice.

And of course mum is up in arms because she’s seen how hurt I’ve been for the last week or two when he’s done these stupid things.  Today seems to have been the last straw for her and she’s said he’s no longer welcome in her home and that I’m not to go and see him.  And yes, my mother can control my life like that because she pays for my insurance and my medical bills and things like that since I’m in school and only work part-time even now.  She didn’t mind him before but now she honestly doesn’t like him because he’s been such a turd basically.

*sigh*  All I want to do is curl up and go back to sleep and wake up to find that today was all a dream and I get to do it over.