it’s tough

I’m taking it as easy as I can.  It’s hard though.  I still love Quinn and I know he loves me too.  This whole break-up is a combination of things that neither of us can really cope with.  We’re both kind of clingy in that we have to spend time with someone we care about to really feel like we’re with them at all.  It was tough dealing with the separation while I was in Florida and we learned the hard way that we are that kind of people.  So we’re not sure if we’d be able to take it as a couple having to go through that when he leaves next weekend for school.  He doesn’t have the money and he won’t have the time to come and visit me and right now I don’t know that I will either.  At most it would be a one-weekend-a-month kind of thing and we don’t think we’d be able handle it.  Plus Quinn spent the last 4 years of his life (and he’s only 19) in a relationship with one girl.  So he really doesn’t want to be in one again already.  He also doesn’t want to take the chance of possibly doing something stupid and hurting me when he’s hanging out (read: frat boy partying) with his brothers at school.  This is, he feels, a particular danger since the parties will be at his apartment with his bed just down the hall.  I don’t know that it would be a threat, I know it isn’t when he’s sober.  The one girl he was interested in before we started dating has become his obsessive stalker pretty much and he told me that she’ll do things like I do with him (like give him that ‘come-hither look’) and he wants to shove her away from him.  When I do it he just wants to kiss me.  That made me feel worlds better about us.

It will be a tough time but I’m going to keep being here for him.  It’s not like I really go out and look for guys anyways and I really don’t date very often.  So even if I wanted to be over him, I’d still probably be single for months if not a year or two anyways.  So why not invest the time to try and make this work.  It isn’t like I won’t get hurt now if it really ended any more than if something happened a month, three months down the line.  

But it’s mostly in God’s hands now anyway.  I’ve let it go and now I’m just sort of coaching the game from the sidelines.  Only time can tell really if this will all work out.  I want it to, with all my poor little scarred, beaten-up heart.  And just this once I pray that God’s plans coincide with mine, just this once let my prayers be answered the way I ask them to be.

Everyone, please send me the positive thoughts you can spare for me.  No matter how it turns out, this is going to be probably the hardest thing I’ve done so far.