it’s time…

For a change. I don’t know what yet or how or any of the particulars but I know this can’t keep going on. I can’t keep going on like this. I’m not dealing with my life. I’m not dealing with the whole Quinn thing. And I need to even if it kills me. I haven’t been able to because just thinking about it still breaks my heart all over again. I have to let this go somehow, I have to move on and do something or I’ll end up dying. I know I’ve been dying for months now.

I’ve drunk more alcohol in the last 3 months than I have in 24 years of life and that’s never a good sign. I’ve still never been drunk but even so. for someone who rarely drinks to suddenly going to have a bunch of alcohol every week…yeah. It’s got to stop.

I don’t know yet what will happen, how I will make this change but it’s got to happen and it’s got to start now. I think step one will be finishing my test and getting certified so I can leave that hellhole pharmacy I work at and get to a better one, with a better pay and better hours. Did I mention they cut my hours for the next 2 weeks? I was scheduled 4 hours this week but ended up calling out sick anyway, freaking tonsilitis again. I only have 4 hours next week too. I was better off at BBY by itself, I made more money there that’s for sure. If only it was a promising career but management doesn’t seem my style. So certifying it is and then moving up. Better pay, better hours, benefits. So I can get these freaking tonsils out finally and then move out on my own (or at least with roommates). I need to move out. School can wait but my mental health is deteriorating fast living here. My mom means well I’m sure but I just can’t take her. I am not her live-in care-taker; not for her or for my brother. She badgers me to go back to school, to do something with my life when she won’t even make herself a cup of coffee. Instead I’m stuck taking care of everyone. It’s driving me crazy and I can’t do it. So that’s a priority. Moving out.

This whole making changes thing is going to be tough. A lot tougher than I hope it will be but somehow I’ll pull it off. I have to or I’ll go nuts and kill myself.

It’s time for change.