it was all a game after all

 Quinn wants to date another girl.  He has one in mind.  He didn’t know how to tell me.  So instead he treated me like shit, led me on, played a fahked up game with me.  And now I’m in pieces.

And even with the pieces I love him still.

I don’t think time is going to make this better.  This hurt is almost like someone had died.  I’ll cry,  I’m crying.  I feel like someone is squeezing my heart in my chest to the point where it is painful to have to make it beat, to make it keep pumping.  It’s like the unsteady staccato is screaming "Why?  Why ?  Why?" over and over and over.  And there is no why.  I will probably never know the why.

He doesn’t want to tell me who because apparently I can’t deal with both the pain of losing him and the pain of knowing who it is, according to him.  So obviously it is someone I know.  I don’t see why he cares all of a sudden about my feelings when he hasn’t really been doing much to spare them before now.  I don’t see why he thinks he will have to deal with either of them.  He has become just a friend.  There will now be pieces of me he won’t get to see because obviously he can’t handle me.  I thought he could, he was for a while.  But I guess he can’t deal with it after all.

I feel betrayed.  I feel lied to.  I feel used.  Valentine’s day seems like such a lie to me now.  I thought it was bad to be single for Valentine’s.  It’s so much worse to find out it was a lie.  To find out that the gestures, the sex, the intimacy…it was a bold faced lie from an @sshole who was too chickensh!t scared to tell you the truth and just deal with the consequences like a man.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.  I want to still be his friend because I promised and I try very hard to keep my promises.  Plus I still love him and I won’t just stop loving him all of a sudden, although I wish it worked that way right now.  I wish I could turn off all these negative emotions and keep the positive ones (few as they are lately).  It doesn’t work like that though.  You numb out the negative ones and they start building up so that when you try to have any emotions, even positive ones, you start crying, leaking like a god-d@mned sieve.  And then everyone looks at you funny, then with pity if you have the nerve to tell them why you’re crying.

The pity is the worst.

The only light (bleak and depressing as it is) is that he gave up sex for lent (like in the movie 40 Days) so at least they won’t have sex until April.  It doesn’t make it any easier but I’m grasping at whatever straws life hands me right now and sadly that is one of them. 

I think I might have to go and take down all his pictures in my room.  I don’t know what I’ll do with them yet but right now I don’t know if I can handle seeing them every day.  The problem is I can’t think of any place to put them where I won’t see them accidentally either.

I am down to 148lbs today but I am not updating my bar down there.  The weight isn’t really lost.  Food is now the enemy.  I’m too stressed to keep down food.  My mom thinks I had food poisoning the other night because she heard me throwing up after I tried to eat soup.  I wish she could understand but she just can’t so there is no point in trying to explain it to her anymore.  She hasn’t gotten it yet, she won’t ever I think.  She gets upset and she yells and screams.  I get upset and I internalize and now it’s made it so I get sick if I eat.

I feel like I should cross get engaged and get married off my "Life Goals" poster.  It seems hollow now.  It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever get those two.  Every time there is a glimmer of hope that maybe I won’t end up alone the world ends up screwing me over.  I’m tired of it all.  I’m tired of the games, of the suicidal hope that ends up leading me to places like this.  Places where it hurts to breathe, places where I can’t stop crying but I have to glue what’s left of me back together and fake that I’m marginally okay while I go to work and deal idiots, all the while just barely keeping myself from crying.  It’s hell.

Something died today.  I don’t know what yet but it died.  This pain is too much like the pain of someone dying.  It’s too deep and too intense to just be heartbreak.  I’m so used to that feeling by now I recognize it in others too even without being told.  But this.  This is so much more than that.  This is so much worse.  This is knowing that something has changed forever without knowing what it is.  This is knowing you’ve just lost something precious and magical but knowing it never even got a chance to live.  It’s an impotent, helpless, heartbreaking feeling without a real definitive cause.  Yes the cause is Quinn but this, this isn’t just the pain of breaking up.  This is so much bigger than that.  I just don’t know why it feels so much bigger.  

Did I just watch my soul mate walk away?  Did I just have the father of my children tell me it was over?  Is that why this feels so much more cosmically infinite, so much more important than just a break-up?  Is that why I feel like some part of my future just became completely altered in ways that I might never fully understand?  

I wish I had answers.  I wish to god the universe would stop stepping all over me.  I’m already fragile from all the times my heart has been broken, all the pieces taken away from me by people that I trusted who I shouldn’t have trusted.  They broke my heart in a thousand little ways and took pieces of me with them as they ran.  Now I think there’s so little left of me that I don’t think I can give anything else to someone new, not even a new friend at this point.  There just isn’t enough of me left. There’s barely enough of me left to keep me going from one minute to the next.  There just aren’t enough pieces left.
 

 

Xx