insecure loyalties

If a girl is cheated on, it pretty much ruins her for everyone. It breaks her down on all levels of her relationships with people. If it happens again, the cracks get bigger, deeper, start reaching even more parts of her life. If it happens multiple times, she may never get over it.

I have been cheated on. I have been cheated on by nearly every guy I have ever dated.

Yes I am insecure.

That’s why.

It’s not that I have a bad self-image. Most of the time I’m actually pretty okay with who I am and how I look.

So why have I been cheated on by so many guys? What’s so wrong with me that they couldn’t be loyal to me? Is there something wrong with how I look? Is there something I’m doing wrong?

Last night was tough. I don’t deal well with death. Trying to deal with it on top of an already craptastic weekend was fricking impossible. I just wanted a friend to be there for me. They all bailed. So of course I went to my boyfriend. He wasn’t there for me either.

He hasn’t been there for me all weekend. In point of fact, I haven’t had a real conversation with him since Wednesday. I’ve barely spoken to him since Wednesday.

When a guy’s behavior suddenly starts changing without explanation, yeah, I jump to the worst because the worst has already happened to me.

Do I think Isaac is cheating on me? No, probably not. But it does feel like he is withdrawing from the relationship when he makes himself mysteriously unavailable all of a sudden.

If he isn’t, it doesn’t matter. Right now, the way he is acting makes it seem like he is and that’s what matters. That’s what I’m dealing with, that’s what I’m seeing, that’s how he is coming across.

I talked to Kay last night about it. She agrees. To go from texting "good morning" every day to not, no big deal really. Do I miss it? Yeah. Did I notice it happen? Yeah. Did I say anything? No. We’re busy. He won’t be able to text every morning, particularly if he gets up way before me and then is busy all day.

But to barely answer texts for 3 days? To basically give me one excuse after another to not even be able to talk to me, much less see me? Particularly when I am obviously in distress (and rarely do I let guys see me in distress IRL)? Unless his phone was completely broken last night, he better have a damn good excuse for not answering me at all.

It’s sad when your exes pay you more attention than the guy you are currently dating.

I finally had the nerve last night to text Kale and tell him exactly why I stopped talking to him. He apologized and spent a good bit of last night texting me. He can text me back, but not Isaac. Wow. yeah, about that.

So I’m going into work for the next 7 hours still in a shitty mood, and if I hear that damned Perry song (If I die young, the same one from my entry a few days back) I will more than likely bust out crying because that song pretty much always makes me cry to begin with.

And no, I’m not texting him good morning. I’m not going to fricking text him at all today. I’m that upset with him still. I have nothing nice to say to him. What I want to say to him is "we need to talk" because I hate when people start acting weird or out of character and can’t bother to freaking talk to me about it. I also hate being ignored because it’s usually a sign that something else is going on at least it has been for me.

Again. No excuse for not answering me at all. None, short of a broken/dead phone.