i’m addictive

Ok, so the long awaited real update.

Last night I went out with the crew from the store because it was one of the guy’s last nights with us. We ended up at the local Applebee’s and were just having fun and goofing off. Doug was there. I didn’t sit next to him but I am pretty sure I caught him looking at me throughout the night. There was another sketchy guy not from the store who was checking me out so as we were leaving I stuck very close to Doug and a few others of the crew. Then as we were walking to our cars, he said he was going home to watch American History X finally and I hadn’t seen it the whole way through yet so I said I was jealous. He invited me over to watch it with him so I followed him out to his house so we could watch it. It ended up not working so we watched the Blind Side instead.

I think he spent more time watching me than the movie. I’d look up at him and he’d be watching me. He played with my hair, he ran his fingers across my skin. To sum up a long story a little, he finally leaned down and kissed me and that led to a whole long night of making out like teenagers. But nothing else happened, just making out. I told him nothing was going to happen and he said he knew it, he didn’t expect or want anything to happen that night either.

Doug smokes which I don’t approve of but he also is a notorious gum-chewer. He has an oral fixation basically. He usually smokes about once an hour, one or two cigarettes. The 6-7 hours we were at his house he didn’t have one cig. I commented on it and he said "Yeah I’m niccing out pretty bad but I’m okay with just doing this some more." Doing this being kissing me!

I’ve spent the whole day going between "WTF was I thinking?" and "OMG that was so amazing".

But I know this. Doug has been a sign. I’m not okay but I will be, one day. I took Quinn off of my Facebook tonight, deleted him finally from the last place he was left in my life.

I will not freak out over the Doug situation; I will not rush, I will not push. I will not anticipate it going anywhere or becoming anything. I will not let it freak me out when I have to work with him. I will put that blessed night in a tightly locked box, take it out now and then to examine and smile fondly over it. But I will not over-think it, I will not over-analyze. I will take it at face value, cherish the memory, and try to continue with my life.

No, I am not suddenly going to start spouting love poetry. I still do not believe in that silly word anymore. I do not trust a man who says pretty words and smiles that knowing smile, so sure of himself and his abilities. I will not say yes or give in to my unbridled libido. I will not let another man just slip into my life and what’s left of my heart. And any man that wants that privilege is going to have to do the legwork to earn it.

Last night took the band-aids off, but this heart is still not healed.