I’ll have a bluuuuuuuee christmas….

So I’ve been re-reading my entries…and I mean the entries way back from the beginning (which are now accessible to my Favorites btw, I took it all off private so I don’t have to explain things to my newer Faves).  Now I’m kind of depressed which is a great way to be approaching the holidays.

I hadn’t thought about Joey in so long.  I’d pushed him to the back of my mind, made myself forget.  Forget everything, the way he held me, the way he looked at me, the way he smelled, all of it.  I did everything in my power to push it all away, to make the hurt go away.  Because that’s what I had to do to make myself forget how much it hurt that he left me behind, that he pushed me away, that all I was to him was a toy, a pawn, a little puppy that followed him around and hung on his every word and loved him with all my little heart.  I believed him when he said he loved me and maybe in his own way he did.  I believed him when he said he was going to leave his wife to be with me.  I wanted to believe that everything would work out if I just believed hard enough.  I believed that he and I could make something work.

I was an idiot and I know that now.

There was nothing there that we could make work.  He didn’t believe in the vows he gave his wife.  Honor, cherish, love.  Those are supposed to bind two people, two hearts together forever.  And if you break those vows you may as well have never taken them in the first place.  And what kind of person breaks those vows honestly?  A horrible person, a user, a manipulator.  Someone who obviously doesn’t care about anyone but themselves really when it comes down to it.  How else can they screw around with someone’s heart and mind, take their body and love then go back to their spouse, wrap themselves around that person and whisper words of love and adoration to them like they mean it?  How else can they go from one bed to another, one heart to another with such careless ease and abandon, never caring enough for either to pick one.  Never having enough respect for either to choose. 

I know Joey is still out there cheating on his wife.  He tries to act like he’s done nothing wrong.  He ‘loved’ me.  Like that made it ok to break his vows to his wife.  It doesn’t.  It never will.  If he’d loved me so damned much he might as well have left her because he broke his vows the minute he slept with me.  He broke them again when he told me he loved me.  It’s that simple.  If he was that callous about breaking his vows to her I can only imagine how easy it would have been for him to do the same thing to me.  Even if we’d never slept together, just having someone else that he loved broke his vows.  To love, honor and cherish, til death parts.  What love did he show here when he loved me?  What honor did he show her when he lied to her about being with me?  How could he cherish someone else when he was showering me with his love and affection?

I was an idiot.

And I loved him.  And look what it’s gotten me.  Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.  Another scar on my heart to match the one that Alex gave me.  Another wonderful story to tell other naive little idiots about how much you can screw up your life. 

I know I’m better off without him.  My head knows this and my heart is starting to understand.  If I had stayed with him, if he had–by some insane chance–left his wife to be with me I can only imagine what my life would be like.  But I know I’d be miserable.  Would I still love him?  Yes.  Even now as much as he hurt me a part of me still loves him.  It has to or else I wouldn’t still be so hurt and mad.  But while I would love him there would always be that nagging voice in my head saying "He made those same vows to her when he loved her.  He couldn’t be faithful to them then so how can I ever know that he’s being faithful to them with me?  How do I know he isn’t with someone else right now telling her he loves her, how much he wishes he could be with her instead?  How do I know that the phone call he just had to take outside isn’t some woman calling his phone to know when she can see him again?"

I could never have known for sure that his heart was ever truly mine.  I don’t believe that there is enough room in anyone’s heart to really Love two people, not like that, not that kind of Love.  I believe that if you Love someone you can only Love them, all the other loves are little-loves, like love for family and friends and such.  They are important yes, but they aren’t the same kind of love.  I believe Love like that is singular, and only occurs for one person at a time. 

To Love more than one is to just prove that you don’t really Love either of them because if you did then the love isn’t as special, isn’t as singular, isn’t as worthy…so it isn’t really Love.  Love isn’t something you just give away, it isn’t something that just ‘is’.  It grows and withers just like any living thing.  But it takes care to grow and thrive which is why friendships fade, why love can fade if not cared for properly.  It’s why people ‘fall out of love’.  They didn’t care for it properly or else the environment changed–by environment in this case I mean the people–and so the love couldn’t grow, it didn’t have what it needed to grow.  And if you try to grow too many things at once you aren’t paying enough attention to any particular one long enough for it to grow into something worth having.  It stays a little-love and can never fully be Love.  That kind of Love requires extra care and patience to grow and even more to keep it from diminishing back to just a little-love.

In my heart I know I would never have been Joey’s Love because he found me when he was with another Love.  If he had ever truly Loved her then he couldn’t have Loved me.  And if he Love me then he couldn’t have Loved her.  And if he didn’t Love her he shouldn’t have still been with her.  But he was.  So who’s to say that he couldn’t have Loved some other girl after he had chosen me. 

So instead I lay here in my makeshift bed at my folk’s house, knowing I have to work tomorrow night, knowing Christmas is in a week.  And knowing now that a part of me still loves Joey.  It’s hard to let go of things that you’ve Loved.  Especially when emotionally speaking you have no reason to.  I have no new Love to look forward to.  I don’t even really have the hope of a new Love.  I just have me and my family and my friends.  All my little-loves.  And they keep me happy most days.  Do I miss being with a Love?  Yes.  With every fiber of my being.  I miss having someone whose voice makes my day seem better, someone whose arms make me feel safe, someone whose eyes look at me with complete Love, someone whose heart is mine and mine alone.  I miss knowing that someone out there is aching for me as much as I ache for them, ache to be near, to touch, to taste and to just feel them there.  I miss believing that it’s all real. 

The more I learn about Love the more unlikely it seems to me that I’ll find it.  Is it impossible to find?  No, I know it’s not because everyone around me seems to be finding it and able to hold onto it.  I’m like Good Luck Chuck only minus the part where you have to sleep with me.  You just have to know me and you can be guaranteed to find Love and happiness.  It rains everywhere around me but not on me.  At the end of the day all I have is my little-loves.

My little-loves and the truth.  The truth that while I Loved I was never Loved in return.