I am NOT Noah

But someone up there has it in their head that I’m gonna build an ark or something. New flash: I don’t know how to build a boat and I don’t have the KISS manual on boats in my possession. So STOP!

I took my state board test today. I passed it with a 95/100 so I only missed 2 questions and I know exactly what 2 questions I missed and I won’t lie, I didn’t study them. They were part of a list of the 200 ‘most prescribed medications’ for the state and were about the generic and the brand and yeah, I pretty much didn’t study any of those so I’m not that upset about missing them.

I’m driving home from the test and I’m of course, all excited and happy. Well, it’s my life and it doesn’t matter how wonderful my life is, I’m about to get screwed just when things are getting good. So my car stalled twice in the last 2-3 weeks right? It did it again today only today it decided to do it in the middle of one of the biggest intersections in town. A 10-lane(E/W) meets 5&7-lane(N/S) (they just finished expanding one side and that includes the 2 turn lanes for 3 sides of the intersection). My car stalled out, completely died halfway through the intersection. There is NO ROOM between the turn lanes; they come right up on each other at this point. My car managed to roll through the rest of the intersection so at least I was out of the 10 lanes of traffic. However I was stalled in front of the single turn lane onto that road so I still almost got hit. Did a single person stop to help me? Nope. I was almost hit about 20 times, terrified to get out of my car of course, I kept trying to get it to start again. And again. And again. It must have taken about 5 or 6 times before I got the engine to turn back over.

So I get home and I’m understandably kind of pissed off and upset. I mean, every time my car does this I almost end up hit because there is no warning and it happens in about 2 minutes, just the car suddenly dying and leaving me stranded. I’ve been lucky the last two times that I was on back-roads and could pull off out of traffic. Really it’s just a matter of time before someone does hit me when this happens. Well, anyway, I get home and I’m upset and I’m pissed as a hornet’s nest because no amount of money thrown at this problem in the last 3 years has managed to fix it and it’s progressively getting worse and it’s the heat that’s causing it. Well, mom and I got into a huge row, as usual. It got pretty bad and more or less I’m going to start seriously looking at phone plans of my own and insurance rates for myself for my car and a place to live. I don’t care if it means I’m not going to be able to go to grad school. At this point I would rather give up grad school than put up with her any more. That’s what it has come to. So we’ll see what’s going to happen I guess. Maybe now that I’ve gotten my license I’ll be able to get a full-time spot or something. Plus we are losing one of the full-timers soon. I don’t know. We’ll see. It would be nice. Making $10+ and hour, actually getting 30+ hours a week? Yeah, that’s what I need right now. I’d get $300-400 a week. I’d have the money to pay my bills and split rent & utilities with someone. So that’s my plan. Grad school just is not in the picture anymore. Right now I’d rather just have a steady paycheck and independence. Down the road maybe it will happen. But for now. For now, I have to have a priority and I’m making it my health, both mental and physical. And neither of those are safe in this house anymore.

My mother is the only person who can literally take me on the best day of my life and still make me feel like slitting my wrists. In a matter of minutes. That’s how bad it is. She’s a bad person and a shite mother and I’ve had enough. A mother’s love should be unconditional. It shouldn’t have strings that hover around your neck waiting to choke you to death when you start to step out of line. Her love shouldn’t come with strings that say "I did this for you so you better do this for me". So I’m going to make a stand. I’ll move out, get independent and stop talking to her, then maybe she’ll finally get a fahking clue and stop treating me like shite.

In the meanwhile, I’ll do what I have to do to keep one foot going after the other. The phone is step one, since I get a discount for a provider from both of my jobs that shouldn’t be too big a deal to get a plan that I can afford now.