God send me an angel

It’s been 5 months since you went away
Left without a word, nothing to say
And I was the one who gave you my heart and soul
But it wasn’t good enough for you, no
So I asked God

(Chorus)

God send me an angel from the heavens above
Send me an angel to heal my broken heart from being in love
Cause all I do is cry
God send me an angel to wipe the tears from my eyes

And I know that it might sound crazy, but after all that I still love you
You wanna come back in my life, but now there’s something that I have to do
I have to tell the one that I once adored that they can’t have my love no more
My heart can’t take no more lies and my eyes are all out of cries
So God

(Chorus)

God send me an angel from the heavens above
Send me an angel to heal my broken heart from being in love
Cause all I do is cry
God send me an angel to wipe the tears from my eyes

Now you had me on my knees, begging God please, to send you back to me
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and you made me feel like i could not breathe when I
All I wanted to do was feel your touch, and to give you all of my love
Took my love for granted want my loving now, but you can’t have it o god

(Chorus)

Tonight has been bad. I’ve done pretty much nothing but cry since I crawled into bed tonight. I rediscovered this song a few days ago. It feels like my anthem right now. And it’s pretty much what I beg God every day. I beg Him to bring Quinn back to me. I beg Him to make the pain stop. I beg Him to give me answers. I beg Him to help me somehow to get through this, to keep putting myself back together, to keep putting one foot in front of the other until somehow I’m out of this. I don’t know if I am getting better or if I’m just getting better at faking that I am.

Pretend I’m okay with it all, act like there’s nothing wrong. Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry?

I can laugh, I can make jokes again but I feel like I’m lying when I do. I feel like it’s not really me that’s doing it. I still feel like screaming and throwing things most of the time. But today seems to have helped if I can at least fake that I’m getting better. If people actually comment that I seem to be doing better now. I’m not. I’m still in so much pain that breathing hurts, the idea of him with someone else almost kills me. I still double over in pain and cry uncontrollably at the sheer emptiness that his loss has left me feeling.

Hold on baby you’re losing it, the water’s high, you’re jumping into it and letting go and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one and you’re tied together with a smile but you’re coming undone.

The reality is that I am always far more honest here than I am in reality with the people that I know.  Mostly because I’m tired of being looked at and judged when I open up. It happens pretty much every time. So I always keep pieces of myself back. But here, here I’ve always felt safe to express my thoughts, no matter how negative, no matter how socially unacceptable, or vicious or lovesick or what-have-you. Because people here either judge or don’t judge. They read you or they don’t read you. And if they don’t read you then you don’t have to worry about the looks. Or they read you and you find a kindred spirit. Or they read you and judge you anyway but then you haven’t screwed up a good friendship by being judged by someone who actually matters to you. People who become your true readers see what you write and quite often feel sympathy for you if not true empathy. They leave kind words, encouraging words, even sometimes just a virtual hug and sometimes that’s enough to get you through that tough day, that bad break-up, that unexpected demotion, the car accident, the death, the tragedy. And they share in your good times too. So I might be writing much more often. I’m finding having an outlet that doesn’t judge, that doesn’t sit there and tell me I need to move on, that it’s time I got over him, that I should stop wasting my breath even talking about him; having this outlet is helping me to cope. It’s someplace to express myself no matter how pissed or hurt I might be at that moment. No matter how negative I might come off being. It doesn’t judge. It doesn’t tell me to move on when, really I have no problem admitting, I’m not ready to move on. There is still too much raw emotion, too many unanswered questions, too much newness for me to be over it, for me to move on. It’s going to preoccupy a large part of my mind for a while.

Say you’re sorry that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to, as I pace back and forth all this time cause I honestly believed in you, holding on the days drag on stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known. That I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale, I’m the one you sweep off her feet lead up the stairwell, this ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town, I was dreamer before you went and let me down.  Now it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around.

I feel like this will change me. Not just for a little while, not just for a few months. I feel like this is a major turning point in my life, one that I didn’t see, a bend that I hadn’t anticipated. I just wish I knew what was waiting around the corner. I’ve said before that this felt major and every day that goes by I feel my conviction in that belief growing surer. This is going to change everything or at least nearly everything. I wish I could say it’s going to be for the better but it’s too soon now to know. Yes I will probably be stronger for it but will I be cold?  Will I be left so damaged and betrayed that I won’t be able to let anyone in again? Will I stop knowing how to trust? Will I stop trying to care? I wish I had answers.