Forever and Never

Do you ever feel like you are walking down a road and you don’t know where you’re going or how to get where you want to go or if that’s even where you want to go? My life has been feeling like that a lot lately. Between all of the crap going on with the school (I’m now having serious doubts that I will get to go and it is partly the school’s own fault, how messed up is that?) and then all this nonsense in my personal life! It’s so frustrating being me.

My so-called vacation got blown to heck and I still don’t know why. All I know is Chris blew me off. Then for another two weeks I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I’m trying to fight my paranoid instincts that tell me not to bother trusting anyone anymore, much less anyone with a Y chromosome. Then I started feeling hurt and when I feel hurt I feel angry. I’ve been hurt so much already in my life that there’s no room left for pain, there’s no place left on my body for scars. Pain turns into this burning, unrelenting anger. And it stops being about who I’m mad at, it becomes anger with everyone that ever left a scar on me. I lash out, I want other people to hurt as much as I do, I want them to be as angry as I am, I want answers even if they aren’t what I want to hear, I would rather have an honest answer than a lie, or worse, silence. Nothing pisses me off faster than silence, being avoided. It’s cowardly. It’s low. And it’s a tactic I’ve suffered through before. That’s how Sean broke up with me, he just stopped being there so now that Chris is pulling that same bull I’m angry all over again only now it’s twice as bad. Because now this is just insult heaped on top of injury. And we weren’t even going out, we were just friends for pity’s sake!

It’s bad enough I have no real self-confidence because of the jerks I’ve had to put up with in my life, but on the few occasions when I meet people who make me want to give so-called "love" and relationships another try I’ve always been disappointed. I’ve always been "not good enough" I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or enough of a slut! I asked a guy out and was laughed at while he told me no, not just no but hell no. A girl can’t bounce back from that, not ever.

I think that is the worst pain I carry. This fear, this all-consuming, crushing fear that I will be laughed at again when I try to be more confident. Yeah I can dress to impress with the best of them, I can smile and laugh and dance and pretend I don’t care what anyone else thinks, pretend I don’t care that I didn’t get hit on or that no one asked to buy me a drink. But then I go home and look in the mirror and inside I’m dying, I’m falling to pieces and I can’t get them to fit back together. I look at myself and see only my flaws, asking myself "What’s wrong with me? Am I defective somehow? Why can’t I just fit in? Why can’t I be what everyone expects me to be? Why can’t I be accepted as is, I’m not broken, just a little worse for wear, battered and worn-out. I’m still here, I’m still living. What’s so wrong with me?"

Maybe I just need to get away from here, from this place and all these people. Maybe going away to school will be good for me, give me a chance to maybe meet some decent folks. Maybe stepping back and focusing on school will help me put my pieces back together. Maybe I’m not meant to have straight guys in my life at all, maybe Ry is the only guy I’ll ever be able to trust ever again…ok maybe that is going too far even for me in my current emotionally disturbed state. But it’s really beginning to feel that way.

Original Post date: 08/14/06