falling off the wagon

After many years, I fell off the wagon last night.  I cut myself.  Not deeply and not big cuts.  Just a couple of small, shallow cuts.  It almost looks like I got scratched by a cat or something.  Not that anyone will probably be able to see them as they are on the front of my mid-thigh.  Also a place I am typically known for bruising or scratching up.  Plus, I’m not a big shorts person and shorts season is drawing to a close now anyway.  I feel like crap for having fallen that far.  But I guess even I have a limit to how much negativity I can take in a given period.  I reached my limit last night.

I know the main reason is that I feel so fucking alone right now.  The majority of my friends are 2 hours away.  The one who I might have turned to here in town was not answering my texts.  And I’m tired of feeling even more worthless when my friends tell me I shouldn’t feel so bad.  Don’t tell me I shouldn’t feel bad because then I just feel worse that I’m telling you anything.  I want to tell you and you to tell me it’ll be okay, that I can feel as bad as I want but that it will pass.  

I’m tired of being the grown-up, responsible one.  I’m the one who keeps making sacrifices for other people even if it means giving up my happiness in favor of theirs.  I’m sick of it but I can’t do anything else.  I mean, it’s just not in my nature to be selfish.

I’m so disgusted with myself for cutting.  I’m so disgusted that it made me feel better to watch my blood well up and drip down my leg into the bathwater.  I’m disgusted that all the anguish, all the anger, all the sorrow I’ve felt for the last few weeks bundled into this knot in my chest so that I couldn’t breathe and then as soon as that razor dragged across my skin and a thin red line appeared it was like I was cutting the ropes of that knot.  It unwound.  Relief was only temporary unfortunately.  Now I’m even more afraid of that hole in the center of my world because now I’ve seen what lays at the bottom of it waiting for me to slip, trip, and stumble in.

Xx