cold

A note left on my last entry makes me think of this.  She said that she’d probably blow a gasket if she were dealing with Isaac.  Truthfully I think I have.  I’m not myself these days.  It’s like something has been snuffed out inside of me.  Cliche as it sounds, I think it might be hope.  What is there left to hope for in my life?  Nothing of a personal value that’s for sure.  I have friends, good friends that stand by me, I can’t ask for more than that.  I have a wonderful (albeit insane) family who supports me in any way they can.  I’m working on the kinks that come with being a grown up and getting to your own two feet.  

The only thing I’m missing is someone to share my life with.  I realized today, while talking with one of the other technicians, that I’ve not had a single relationship last for more than a year in my entire life.  Not one.  The closest to count is Jay and he and I were off and on for 5 years and dated other people in that time too so that doesn’t really count at all.  I can’t have a single relationship (decent or lousy) for a year.  I feel like a failure because I can’t have a relationship.

I think I’ve blown a gasket because I’m emotionally shut down right now.  I have okay days and shitty nights.  I don’t go out, I don’t try to see my friends as much.  I’m making plans for my life that I don’t really care about anymore for the sole reason that I know I’m SUPPOSED to care about those things.  Like going the the Ren Fest in September.  Going to Tough Mudder in October.  Things that excited me at one point and now I’m going through the motions because I know I’m supposed to still be excited about them.  But truthfully?  I don’t want to go.  I’d rather stay home and stay in bed.  I just don’t care about those things any more.  Hell, I’m a step away from not caring about personal hygiene at this point!

I’ve gone cold.  I hate myself when I’m like this and the worst part is that I’m not even doing it on purpose.  Being cold is something I usually have to work at and this time it slipped on like a well-worn coat.  I think I should be scared of how easily it happened this time.  I guess this time I really have given up.  What hope is there at this point?  I’m a failure.  And I’m barely upset about that.