broken, still

Each day is a little easier than the one before it. I’m getting better but it’s hard and it’s taking forever. I don’t think I’ll ever be what I was before Quinn. I don’t think I’ll be able to love the way I did with him. I think he ruined that part of me, for a long time if not for all time. I don’t really want anything to do with love. I don’t even say it that often in casual conversation. I used to tell my friends I loved them all the time but now it’s only a few of them and it’s not as often. It used to be every time I talked to them, but not now.

I think we’re allotted only so many tears per person and I think I finally ran out for Quinn. Now I get the burning sensation that you get when your eyes get dry and you want to tear up but you just can’t. I get it all the time but I don’t cry anymore.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I don’t know though. I don’t know much of anything anymore.

I have no motivation. I need to email people. I need to put laundry away. I need to study for the PTCE, both state and national. There’s a long list of to-do but I don’t get any of it done. I feel like there’s not point to doing any of it. Yeah I know, plenty of point, lots of reasons, I shouldn’t stop my life just because he’s not in it now. But knowing that and feeling it are two different things. I know it logically, in my head I understand it. But my heart and my life just aren’t ready yet to be motivated, to move on really I guess.

I’d love to just pause my life right here and fast forward through the next 12 months of bullcrap and get it over with.

I want to know that in the end, all this pain, all this heartbreak, is worth it. That I’m not working my butt off day in and day out, plodding away for nothing. I want to know that I’m going to accomplish something worthwhile soon.

I’m having dreams now of guys (different guy in each dream) confessing their love and you know what I do? I run away. I seriously freak out and run. I tell them not to love me, they fall in love, they confess, and I tell them they ruined everything, just by falling in love with me. Because I can’t love them back. I’m incapable of it. They’re great guys, but I can’t love them.

And I’m attracted to guys but not really. I can see a guy, like his looks, flirt with him, think of kissing him, but when I start thinking of going farther than that…I hurt, physically I start aching at the idea of another guy touching me, of another guy’s hands on my body.

I met up with Quinn from work and at one point he grabbed me by the hips and pulled me close and a small part of me enjoyed it but most of me just freaked that another guy was touching me that intimately. I just laughed it off though, didn’t say a word or miss a beat.

I’m getting way too good at faking that I’m okay.

Fake it until you make it.

My motto.

God I hope I can get a new one soon.