broken, lonly spirit

I feel like I’ve made so much progress.  It’s been almost 2 months.  But now and then in quiet moments all that pain sneaks up on me.  I think about him and I feel my heart breaking all over again.  I’m angry all over again.  I still cry pretty regularly over it all.  I live with a bone-deep, aching loneliness.  It’s so bad sometimes that I feel like either curling up into a ball or just jumping the first available guy just so I don’t feel so alone.  But I know that would only be temporary or an illusion.  Either way I’d end up worse off for having done something so stupid.

I just want the loneliness to go away.  I don’t want to want another person there in my life.  I don’t want to look to someone else as a part of my happiness.  I want to be self-sufficient again.  I feel like it will take time.  I feel like I don’t have time.  I know I’m still fairly young but I’ve always felt like I was running on a shorter time than others, like things needed to be done sooner.  I wanted to be married or at least engaged by the time I turned 25.  In 3 months I will be late on that particular dream-goal.  It sucks to know that.

 

 

 

Xx