broken, 28

I’m lyin’ here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I’m crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can’t stay on your life support, there’s a
shortage in the switch,
I can’t stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I’ll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you’re just like a pill
Instead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me
ill
You keep makin’ me ill

I haven’t moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t get my act together. Either things go beyond my control and my ability to fix them or I just drop the ball.

The 75th is looking like it’s completely out of the picture. I just flat out won’t have the money to go down this weekend. I can’t. Too freaking many things have gone wrong to let me go down. I still have to get my car inspected. I am just praying it will pass. I can’t afford to fix any more shit on it. And the freaking insurance company (not mine) refuses to pay for the damages saying that they can’t prove that their client is at fault. Uh what? I say he’s at fault, the cop said he was at fault, my freaking insurance saw how ripped up my car was and decided he was at fault. WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?! And they tried to say the MOFO doesn’t speak ENGLISH WHICH IS BULL!!!! He spoke plain English to me, my stepdad and the cop on the scene. BULL!!!! This is all complete BULL!! He did over $1300 worth of damage and you’re going to say he’s not at fault???? OMFG!!!!

And of course no freaking hours at the pharmacy. And I kept telling myself to call over and get my schedule for the week but of course my freaking idiot supervisor can’t make the schedule until the Friday before. So she puts up the schedule when I’m not working on Friday for the following freaking MONDAY! I totally spaced and forgot to call to get my schedule. Now granted she has no reason for not have the schedule done a week in advance. It’s not like people change their availability every freaking week or something. But no, she can’t, which is yet more bull. But yeah so now I have to wake up at 8am and get my schedule and find out if I work tomorrow or not and if I do, when. I can only hope I don’t have to be there at 8am because if I do I’ll be screwed. No one will answer the phone before 8am and I’m not driving 20-30 minutes just on the longshot I will have to work at 8am. I have never opened or closed the pharmacy so I have no idea what to do for either. If I am schedule to open I will be pissed as all hell. I actually would like to not work tomorrow but I doubt it. I will probably get screwed on hours again this week too. AGH.

I’m getting so tired of the constant BULL that happens to me. I have B (Yes B, that B, the ex from almost 2 years ago now) pestering me all the freaking time and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to be a bitch about it but seriously, clingy is so not appealing to me in a boyfriend and DEFINITELY unappealing in a guy who I have no interest in. I have told him already that I’m not interested in him anymore. I’m cool with staying friends but don’t crawl up my butt in an attempt to be friends, you’re just getting on my nerves! Jeez.

And I don’t know what the hell I feel for Quinn anymore. Some days I miss him, some days I hate him, some days I wish he would come back to me, some days I’d like to run him over. I still love him though with all the shattered pieces that are left of me, the remains I’ve managed to duct tape back together into some form of a human being. But really I’m not over him, not even close. I just feel so lonely. And I know that’s why I am looking at other guys and thinking of hooking up with them. I don’t want that though. I’ve done empty sex before. I won’t go back to it. Nor will I jump into another relationship because I’m lonely. I’m better than that, stronger than that. I can face loneliness like an adult and deal with it. I’m not Quinn, I’m not going to be with someone just so I don’t feel so lonely. If I do have another relationship (now, in a month, in a year, whenever it happens) it will be because I have met someone that I genuinely want to be with, someone who I respect and admire, someone who makes me smile, who makes my day brighter and better just by being in it for five minutes, someone who respects me and treats me with respect and genuine affection, genuine and true caring.

This is what I ended up posting to Facebook today

I think soon I will be strong enough to delete him from my facebook friends and take down his pictures. That status is pretty accurate. I am using my loneliness as a tool to make myself stronger, to forge myself into a better person. I’m going to make myself learn from this even if it hurts like a bitch and it DOES, oh gawd but it hurts sometimes.

And I’m using that too. They’re all tools to make a stronger me. And while it will hurt and it will be hard. I am trusting that it will be worth it in the end.

I hope to God I’m right.