breathing in

Positivity. It’s working for me. The last few days have been annoying as fahk! But I’m still in a good mood over all. The annoyance is temporary and then my mood bounces back. The whole ‘being positive’ thing was a pain in the butt at first. Requires a lot of concentration and thought monitoring to break the negative thought-pattern habit but now that I have, it’s really kind of surreal. Pieces are falling into place. My life isn’t becoming suddenly perfect by any stretch. But I’m happier and things are getting slowly better or just staying neutral, things haven’t gone into crisis-meltdown mode recently. They just keep moving along and I’m…content…for the first time in a long time. I’ve not had panic attacks, I’ve not busted out crying over something stupid, I’ve not gotten upset over stupid people, good things come to me and I let them go again when it’s time for them to move on to the next person.

Gawd, I sound like some new-age hippie guru. LMAO

Kale and I are….meh. Things are what they are. I texted him on some advice. Things are okay. He always texts back. He still hasn’t been the one to initiate a conversation but honestly, I put thought into it and realized I’ve never really seen him ‘start’ a conversation with anyone. He’ll answer without a problem, he checks his phone regularly but without some truly pressing reason, he doesn’t even call people much less texting them. Last night I think he phone-snuggled me. We were getting ready for bed and texting each other and he said ‘snuggles’ followed by a sentence on an entirely different topic. I think the snuggles was meant to indicate an action possibly? He also called me ‘baby’ for the first time the other night. Not sure what that was about but I didn’t ask or point it out. No point really.

I confronted Doug tonight too. A few of us were leaving for the night and he and I ended up being parked near each other in the lot so I called him over and said "I have bitten my tongue for the last few months, and I don’t really know or care what your problem is that you got all weird suddenly but I would have appreciated a heads-up." He said he was sorry and he knows he should have given me some warning but he was just in a bad place emotionally. Blah blah freaking blah. Too little, too late. I didn’t ask you on a date, hon, not once. We were friends, that was it. The fact that you panicked is not my problem. I just would have liked some warning that you were getting ready to freak out on me so that it wasn’t out of the blue like a ton of bricks. Really that’s the only thing that bothered me about him and I, just the sudden 180 on his behavior. I hate when people do that. I mean, girls it’s ‘allowed’ for a week because of hormones. But really even then, they realized what’s going on and apologize and try to not do it or to soften the blows or something. Doug didn’t do sh!t, just wham, suddenly things are totally weird and awkward and I’m going WTF?

And I don’t know what is up with the guys around me. I feel like suddenly the guys are all acting…touchy. Not as in touchy-easily upset, more as in touchy-feely-flirty behavior. One of the guys scared the crap out of me today and I was mad at him and being kind of pouty about it so he started rubbing my shoulders and back. This guy has never been super touchy like some of the other guys. We hug now and then (more often now than then, say a month ago?). And just strange things like that with a couple of the other guys too, including at the pharmacy, the one male tech we have. I don’t know. It’s meh to me. I’m not going to commit to any guy that isn’t flat-out fahking AMAZING!! I am fully committed to not being committed before I meet a guy that is actually worth committing too. That means he’s got to put up with me and my weird moods and quirks and habits and blah blah blah for a while before properly asking me out. He’s got to sweep me off of my feet and be not only a night in shining armor but the Alpha Male I want soooooo badly.

Ugh, I’m probably rambling at this point. I’m exhausted. Been up for 19 hours at this point. It’s 2am, I have been up since 7am. I am going to try and sleep in since I don’t work until the afternoon.

*huuuuuuge yawn*