bazaar

(Warning in advance: This entry is going to ramble and dissect and converge and go all kinds of weird. It just ended up getting written that way, sorry)

Isaac spent the night last night. He got of work sort of early (around 8:30-9) so we went to dinner at this nice Chinese buffet down near their end of town. We just laughed and stuff. He commented that I’ve seemed down this week. Honestly I hadn’t even noticed that anything about me was different and I certainly didn’t feel down this week. I mean, I’ve been kind of stressed but not down.

I’ve still got to go and get blood work down for my doctor but, honestly, I’m afraid to do it. The whole reason she wants me to get the tests done is because the last time I saw her I got blood drawn and my white cell count was high which is usually a sign of an infection but can also be caused by broken bones, leukemia, or even allergies. I have allergies and at the time I was dealing with the spinal injury. I’m afraid to get the tests done because I don’t want to have to get more test done when my white blood cell count comes back high AGAIN. Granted it’s more than likely from allergies but still!! My life has been going so well lately that I’m terrified of the axe dropping down again telling me that something is wrong! On top of the real reason for the blood work my doc then tacks on how I’m at the age when I should start knowing my cholesterol numbers too………………..yeah, ok. Doesn’t make me feel better about getting the lab work done. Worst part is that I have to fast before I get the blood work done. Um, when am I supposed to do that when I have to work every week day and the lab is closed on weekends? Okay, not strictly true, they’re open on Saturdays from 8-noon. I guess I could go next Saturday since I’m off again and Isaac is going to be away at drill. I also still need to order my new contacts but I’m thinking I might try the stronger prescription. I’ve tried this pair for about 2 weeks and it’s not bad but I’m still having issues reading street signs when I’m driving. I might do that Monday. I have to order them too and I have some money left from my insurance to pay for part of them but I’ll have to fork over like $100 for them.

And oh yeah I don’t have that money because my loan company for my car contacted me today saying that I have the wrong insurance coverage so I just had to add to my policy which doubled my payments. So now I’m out $120/month instead of $60. FML. Here, allow me to cry and sob uncontrollably because I don’t make enough money to do these kind of things!

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHK!!!

I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to pay for all of this shit. FUCCCKing insurance and FUCKING loan company!!!! I was just FUCKING fine the way things were but you FUCKHOLES had to be dipshit FUCKING RETARDS!!!! And of fucking course it’s due the same fucking week that my $150 fucking loan payment is due to the department of education. MUTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m seriously going to go and cry in a minute because this is so frustrating. I’m not even in control of my life when I AM IN FUCKING CONTROL of it!!! Had it not been for my tax return this month I’d be so fucking screwed come the 1st. As it is, I might be okay at least for now. I’ll just have to actually start pulling money into different accounts or start pulling it out physically and setting it aside. Maybe I will do that today. I have $245 in one account and $260 in the other bank which has already been sitting there waiting for my car loan payment of $250. Maybe if I sit down and do the math out on a piece of paper, I can see for myself that this is not AS bad as it COULD be. I mean, technically I do make the amount of money I need to pay all of my bills. The problem is not the bills themselves, it is the life going on around me. Like mom wanting $100 for spaying the girls next month. And all the times she wants me to go to the grocery store for her on my home from work. I’ve done good about not eating as much fast food. What I have eaten has been at least 2 meals for the day or else someone else bought it for me.

The entry title for today is actually because Isaac and I ended up going to the bazaar. We have one of those warehouse places about half an hour away that is a year-round bazaar. We went this morning/afternoon and just browsed. I saw a couple of things I liked but nothing that I HAD to have. Now I’m very glad I didn’t spend any money. Isaac offered to buy me stuff but I didn’t let him do that. He bought me a bunch of stuff last night on a random Walmart trip. He bought me 4 different shirts, 3 St Patrick’s day themed. I have a bright green that says Lucky Charm in pink and white, a white and green jersey kind of shirt that says Shenanigans, another green one with roses and a sort of cool pattern thing going on, then a family guy shirt that has Brian and Stewie on the front saying Paddle Faster I Hear Banjos. I LOVE this shirt. I love Family Guy and that shirt is just TOO fucking hilarious to me. I’m glad we went to the bazaar those because at least part of my day was good. The end of my day, so far winding to a very frustrating close. If my aunt were around I’d go and cry in her lap and she’d do exactly what I need: pet my head, brush my hair, and tell me it’ll be okay. My mom won’t do shit like that. She’ll start bitching and moaning about her own life and how I should have thought of that before I went and got a car and blah fucking blah! My mother is a bitch.

The conversation on the way home from the bazaar was kind of weird though. Isaac and I sat down to eat at the little food court that they have. Things were fine and then he started to get kind of quiet but not in the food coma kind of way. This was deep thinking sort of quiet. I didn’t say anything, just let it go on as we finished walking around and then made our way to the car. On the way home I was trying to lighten the mood and he started talking. "I was watching you today …..and I haven’t said I love you ….I’m really gun shy ….and I don’t know ….. and after the first ex wife and the way things went and then….when I fall I fall fast and hard…everytime it’s been a disaster and I don’t want to do it again….. I look at my dad and I worry that I’ll turn out like him, he’s unhappy…." (the dots indicate him rambling and I don’t remember what exactly he said) Wait, back this train up…..did he say what I think he just said? *double checks* Yeah, I’m pretty sure I heard that right. He rambled for the whole drive back, on and on about this ….stuff. I don’t even remember half of it honestly because half of my brain had screeched to a halt after the first sentence out of his mouth. Now granted, it didn’t come out exactly like that but it was that idea and with the words "I love you" shoved in there for good measure. So no

w matter how I sliced it on the drive home or since I’ve gotten home and he’s gone to work it boils down to "I haven’t said I love you because…." And of course my little psychoanalytical brain is in overdrive going "Does that mean you want to say that you love me? Because otherwise, why the fuck are you sitting here trying to explain why you haven’t said it to me?!?!" Is anyone else a little confused by that particular detail? Because now I’m confused as fuck.

Thus why this day is winding down in a very frustrating mood.

On the upside, tomorrow is our double date with Lynn and Nate (my supervisor from the pharmacy that I mentioned in my last entry). We are going to the mexican restaurant across town with the chips and dip that I’m obsessed over and then going to see Gnomeo and Juliet. Lynn is creeped out by gnomes and so am I so it’ll be interesting. I don’t think I’ll be that creeped out by animated talking gnomes because I actually liked that old cartoon on NickJr, David the Gnome. But real garden gnomes…they just stand there, staring…staring with their creepy buggy eyes and weird smiles….*shudders* I hate garden gnomes.

Okay, off to be frustrated and do math to keep my sanity then maybe finish laundry and veg so I don’t get any more gray hairs….maybe I’ll dye my hair tonight. Then die of the fumes…kidding! I’m not suicidal….frustrated as fucking hell, but not suicidal.