and all the pretty horses

I’ve been wrapped up in thoughts today.  I managed to finish the homework that’s due tomorrow.  Most of it anyway.  The last part is something I really don’t understand the assignment for so I’m not even going to bother.  It’s a page of work, part of oh…about 15 pages that was assigned.  I’m not really all that worried about it.

B has just been…weird lately.  He’s still calling, texting, and IMing me like crazy.  We haven’t seen much of each other though.  My schedule has been crazy with school, I’m gone 6 hours a day, 4 days a week basically.  So if he has one of those days off it’s a no go.  And he almost never has a weekend day off.  And I’m broke so I can’t drive to see him ever no matter how much I want to.  My family has no problem giving me gas money for school but they won’t be happy if I use that money to go see him.  Plus, I’d drive down there and he’d probably have to work or something so I still wouldn’t really see him.

And lately, it’s been kind of empty.  I mean, not for me, but it’s like lately when he touches me, he’s just going through the motions out of habit…which is weird because it hasn’t been long enough that any habits should have formed.  But then he’ll reach over and hold me and I can feel that he means it, or he’ll kiss me and I’ll feel it all the way to my toes.  Then it’s not empty.  I just don’t know what’s going on and it’s not exactly a conversation that would be precisely comfortable or effective to do over the phone.  So instead I keep waiting, holding it all in, bottling it up.  I know it’s not healthy, I know it’s not because it keeps bursting out of nowhere.  I’ll just start getting very anxious, like I’m about to have a panic attack or something.  I’ll start crying and freaking out basically.  *sigh*

Frustrations are bad to hold inside.  They make me want to take a dive off a bridge, or walk into the river and let the current sweep me away.  But I know it’s not really how I feel.  It’s just all the pressure building up inside because I keep holding it in, trying to stay strong and take care of myself.  It’s dumb things that keep adding on top of each other because I can’t let them go.  I feel like a massive loser. I failed a class, I have no job, my social life is pretty much non-existent, every time I turn around I’m being criticized or yelled at or something.  But I know these things will pass with time if I keep at it.  So that’s what I’m trying to do.